Even my own father had struggles with staying healthy as we all do. He could often be heard uttering the words "MMM NUTRTIOUS." However, those times only happened when he was consuming "foods" like apple fritters, chocolate milk shakes, sausage gravy, and greasy cheeseburgers. He had a fool-proof plan when gauging a good hamburger joint, he said if the food in the bag left a grease stain from the time you picked it up until the time you go it to the truck it was going to be g

If you have ever worked in a restaurant, you have no doubt heard about the five second rule. That is the rule that states that anything from a piece of fruit to a hamburger patty that has rested joyously on the floor for less than five consecutive seconds is NOT suspect. This is to say that it is still edible and by default, still servable. Obviously, the health department would disagree with that assumption. Just to be a good steward of the public I would pop the object in q

I don't believe in divorced if it can be helped. I figure if you pinky swear in front of your parents and kinfolk to stay together forever you should honor that. These days many young couples hit just one marital speed bump, and they are ready to call the whole thing off like they just got bucked off a mad bull. My wife and I however just got a divorce of sorts, a sleeping divorce that is. It was sad but ultimately necessary. When I get through laying out the parameters about

If you have ever gotten up in the middle of the night to get ahold of yourself only to bust your shin bone on a piece of furniture from China, I say to you welcome to America. Better yet, I say to you, welcome to manhood. Women live (and love) to fill our lives and our homes with useless objects most other like-minded human beings would regard as worthless. For instance, can anyone tell me what a doily is good for besides catching dust? A woman cannot possibly be happy with a

Nothing makes my blood boil quite like an advice column. To begin with any such advice usually springs from a person who is unable to think for themselves. At the very least they are usually unable to wrap their heads around an easily solvable problem quickly. Whether this problem stems from a lack of decent role models, a lack of common sense, or that they are just dumber than a fence post is anyone's guess. People who are confused by everyday tasks are confounding. Try to r

My wife has brought it to my attention lately (and often) that I am the polar opposite of a fashion whiz kid. You would know if it was me from a distance. My choice for bottoms is blue pajama pants with green dear heads on them; they are unmistakably Okie in style. I love them for one reason, they are comfortable. They are also buffet friendly; three trips maximum. I should also point out as a disclaimer that any more three trips through you could lose an eye with a poorly pl

It has recently come to my attention that evidently kids are in need of various kinds of therapy because of "climate change." Allow me to elaborate on that as I too was confused by the headline. It is being reported in the Associated Press that kids as young as first and second graders are now being indoctrinated by the powers that be in public schools about changes to our planet. Most events are being described as catastrophic or life changing. Folks, let me say up front, th

I realize now in my older years that I was likely one of the last generations to grow up on a farm. The lessons in that place were many and varied. For instance, don't gather eggs if you are afraid of snake bites. Let's just call that an occupational hazard. Or, if there is an old tractor out in the pasture that has been there for years DO NOT spray paint questionable cuss words on it as you never know when granny might sell it; possibly even before the paint is dry. That old

Nothing says I love you like a big wet kiss on the lips before leaving for work. I rise early enough I must get mine the night before. Not unlike a ripe banana and a jar of peanut butter in your lunch box it gives us a sense of security. I will parse this idea with the question of the day which is, what is the determining factor that decides if that feeling lasts a lifetime or fades quickly? I have always heard people say that their marriage feels like work. This is likely be

My son came home from work not so long ago and told me that he was working with a girl with a two-fold problem. When I asked him to elaborate, he said (and I quote) that "she was a pot head and a drama queen rolled into one." This is a lethal combination, I know because I too have encountered more than one person like this in my lifetime. I should also add that this weird combination could also be attributed to men as well. My wife and I however have a multifaceted problem wh

It seems the role of dogs has changed over the years. Back in the day dogs were used for utilitarian purposes like hunting, personal protection, and sometimes steering cattle in the right direction. In short, they were like a mountain climbing Jeep with knobby tires and were usually covered in mud. These days they are regarded more like a $300,000 Bentley you drive one time per year on your birthday, and only then on clean pavement. When given the state of dog food comme

Almost nothing in life is for certain. The only thing we are compelled to do by natural law is live, die, and pay taxes. Which leaves us with the age-old question, why are we here? My dad was famous, (or infamously) known for saying the following: " The meaning of life is the pursuit of the meaning of life." This means the task is never complete. I hate the thought of lying there in my caskets with a furrowed brow and my head resting on that frilly mock pillow, still contempl

Have you ever seen those medical case studies where people are addicted to heroin? Any time a person partakes in their drug of choice their brains light up like a child's Lite Brite toy. My drug of choice (evidently) is cheeseburgers, which may not be without its risks but at least it's legal. I suppose a person who had a wretched childhood cannot be blamed for trying to dull those memories, but to what end? I have always contended that any adult who cannot even take care of

When I was a kid, I occasionally became aware of a new law that would make the Okie alarms sound off in my head. Back then it seemed like those laws only came down the pike every ten years or so. Now days it seems like there is a perplexing new law every time I turn around. It also seems that the new one is more confounding than the last. Please enjoy my twisted take on the following new Oklahoma laws. #1) TOPLESS IN OKLAHOMA If you hail from the "free love" generation,

How many insurance commercials have you seen over the years that use the catch phrase " peace of mind?" When I was just a tike my dad did a stint with Prudential selling life insurance and their hook was " get a piece of the rock." I was confused about just exactly what rock they were speaking of. I am now 58 years old, and I still don't know so maybe age has nothing to do with it. We are all aware that when we begin speaking of health insurance there is no need for tricky w

In a parking lot last week, I saw a bumper sticker that said, "Bigfoot doesn't believe in you either." In the same lot I saw one that had an outline of the beast that was in rainbow colors, does that mean if he is ever found his shoes will match his purse? Or does it just mean we will soon see him riding on the Judy Garland float in the next pride parade? Do you suppose that people who live around Lockless are also ate to the bone with the existence of Nessie? The questions t

I'm not sure about you but when I think about my childhood I smile a lot. It may be the time that I decided I was a good enough skateboarder that I could negotiate the steep grade hill we lived on, and then mom spent two hours digging gravel out of my leg. Often as kids we are not dealing with a full deck. I was all of twelve years old when I was offered a job at a local restaurant where my brother already worked. Now, allow me to stipulate, technically that could be a violat

One who is perplexed might ask, what is the difference between testosterone and estrogen? Well, that's simple, testosterone makes you do dicey things like climb atop a 2,000-pound bull without any regard for the welfare of your spine. Estrogen makes you long for an over-abundance of throw pillows on your bed and causes you to tear up during Bridgette Jones movies. There are specific differences between the separation of men and woman that go far beyond chemical compositions,

To say that life is a gamble may be the understatement of the century. At my job we have a truck driver that as a child was struck by tragedy in his early life, a plane crashed into an inferno next to his home at Tinker Air Force Base in Midwest City Oklahoma and he was badly burned. Now fast forward some sixty years and he is fighting cancer. Where is the justice? It seems that hate, discontent, and tragedy should be shared equally with all of us, not just rained down on a c

When you have been bitten by the "tight" bug you will know it. It's when you remember the last time a 12oz can of soda took a 10-cent jump clearly, but you cannot remember what you had for lunch yesterday. If you are not naturally as tight as bark on a tree like I am, it's a pretty hard trait to learn. The last time I checked OSU does not offer a " Tightass #101" course in their economics department. Which by the way I COULD teach, teaching certificate notwithstanding. I coul