Cheetos Dust, and Other Oddities

One who is perplexed might ask, what is the difference between testosterone and estrogen? Well, that's simple, testosterone makes you do dicey things like climb atop a 2,000-pound bull without any regard for the welfare of your spine. Estrogen makes you long for an over-abundance of throw pillows on your bed and causes you to tear up during Bridgette Jones movies. There are specific differences between the separation of men and woman that go far beyond chemical compositions, but nobody knows what they are and once more we are not allowed to ask. To begin with, no woman in ownership of her mental faculties would voluntarily cop a squat over the top of a plastic bucket when indoor plumbing is available. Men, on the other hand thrive on roughing it for some reason. Men will occasionally even be caught buying single-ply toilet paper. I have an appreciation for woman's horse sense in this instance as it helps (even we uncivilized) blokes strive to be more cultured. I am not exactly walking around, dragging my knuckles on the ground with a sloping forehead. But I am also not teaching diplomacy at Tulsa University. Typical Okies usually fall somewhere in the middle. Being called typical is not usually regarded as compliment, but in this instance it certainly is.

Some women enjoy camping; others want to do something we refer to as "glamping." The word comes from smashing two words together CAMPING and GLAMOR. This is a bit like adding the name Brad to Angelena to make "Bradgelena." Camping usually involves cooking hot dogs and marshmallows over a campfire; what's not appealing about that? Maybe women (including my own wife) are correct that it takes a Neanderthal type to enjoy such activities. After all, as a species we have spent the better part of the past 2,000 years perfecting indoor living. Why would we have bothered doing that if we didn't want to reap the benefits? Nobody can deny that a Sealy Posturepedic is far more comfortable than using a worn out Carhart jacket as a blanket, a flat rock as a pillow, and having a dog under our feet. More appealing... maybe, more comfortable? Absolutely not!

A woman is an enigma; a riddle wrapped in a cocktail dress. Men to are enigmatic as well, only we are usually wrapped in a donut. This is to say that we are similar only far less complex. Men's hearts are directly connected to the ebb and flow of our digestive juices. Woman become very excited over just the right color of fingernail polish. Men, on the other hand usually have visions of porterhouse steaks, Dutch apple pie, and the occasional lite beer. A recent article I read about the perfect nutritional foods for women stated these two items topped the list, red wine and dark chocolate. That doesn't sound like a study based in scientific fact, that sounds more like a pipe dream of wishful thinking. But hey, whatever blows up their collective skirt I am totally on board with!

It wasn't so long ago that my wife and I had a disagreement over the dreaded DUST RUFFLE. I had threatened to throw mine out because frankly I was tired of getting my 13DDD's caught in it. I'm confused; isn't the underside of the bed supposed to be dusty. Isn't a dust ruffles job to just catch dust? My wife wasn't so much concerned about the dust as she liked to have it to hide things she didn't want to take the time to give to Goodwill or just get rid of. The truth always stings just a little. I cannot thank people like Oprah enough for pointing out to my wife that household dust is mostly made up of sluffed off skin cells. Wasn't the woman paranoid enough without having this information? At this point she basically wanted to bypass the lemon-scented furniture polish and just call in a priest to perform the last rites over the top of our refrigerator. Does anyone but me think it is curious that the (noun) "dust" and the action (verb) "dust" are spelled the same? But for today I will spare you the standard lecture about redundancies in the English language. And just in case you have forgotten I am here to remind you fine people that dusting is an exercise in futility. If you do it today, you may as well pencil in a time on the calendar next month at the same time to do it again. But for today I will leave you my top ten list of female household items men are perplexed by.

#10) Fancy ceramic soap dishes that hold round (multi-colored) soap that evidently should never be used by anyone except company, even though we NEVER have guests.

#9) That dusty basket that sets on the back of the toilet made to hold toilet paper but is always empty because everyone in the house is too lazy to fill it.

#8) The nick-nack shelf where if you ever try to put anything on it that is useful could hold with it a penalty of being stretched on the rack like William Wallace.

#7) That fancy fuzzy toilet seat cover that is guaranteed to make the lid fall on to your manhood while you are taking care of business at 3am. All men hate them; women (for some reason) cannot live without them.

#6) That fancy clock that hangs over the fireplace that only displays the right time twice per day, oh what the hell, at least it looks good to the neighbors.

#5) The white tablecloth we are never allowed to spill BBQ sauce on.

#4) Doilies under lamps, I have but one question... WHY?

#3) The fancy China you received for a wedding gift displayed on a curio shelf with spotlights shining on them that have NEVER held a morsal of food. I mean, what really is the point?

#2) Armrest covers, don't fear Cheetos dust folks, it's our friend. There is also a rumor going around that it might ever cure the mange in dogs and certain kinds of skin cancers.

#1) The sign over the kitchen table that says "Live, Laugh, Love. I'm not even certain I know what that means.