Nutrition is Tricky

Even my own father had his struggles with staying healthy as we all do. He could often be heard uttering the words "MMM NUTRTIOUS." However, those times only happened when he was consuming "foods" like apple fritters, chocolate milk shakes, and greasy cheeseburgers. He had a fool-proof plan when gauging a good hamburger joint, he said if the food in the bag left a grease stain from the time you picked it up until the time you go it to the truck it was going to be good. This of course points to the fact that (like most things in his life) it was just a joke. He gave very little thought to the fact also that he had a Newport hanging off the end of his lip since he was about age 14. The only positive spin I can put on that habit is at least it was low in fat. Who is to say at this point whether or not that is better or worse.

I think it was Redd Foxx that once said that health nuts are going feel pretty silly lying in a hospital bed one day dying of nothing. There is always a crowd of people who are trying to figure out the secret sauce to a healthy lifestyle. We often see things like "wheat thistle" on store shelves of GNC that promise us all a trip to the fountain of youth. There are those little bottles setting next to the register at your favorite gas station that promise five hours of energy. That seems like an odd number to me, but okay. Even the vitamin shakes that are geared towards older people promise to make 90-year-old men feel like Thor and help them leap cranky spouses in a single bound.

Because I am an aging male who listens to far too much talk radio, I often hear those commercials that go something like this, "Are you tired of making excuses to that special someone"? Making excuses about what? Did you just forget to grease her front end or forget to do her 5,000-mile oil change. Sometimes I need these things spelled out for me. I try my best to be healthy but it's tough, isn't it? One thing you can always bet on is if it tastes good you probably shouldn't be eating it. Let's get one thing extraordinarily straight, I am NOT the picture of health. I think the last time I had a six pack was when Dr. Pepper was on sale. I often try to work the nutritional loophole many of us do by eating something healthy and then purging it from our system with something not so healthy. I might eat salmon and steamed veggies on Monday night and then indulge in donuts on Tuesday morning. Will this strategy work? I suppose only time will tell. This is along the same lines with the idea that a Twinkie and a Diet Coke might somehow cancel each other out. Growing up I was always under the impression that good nutrition meant having enough onions and shredded cheese to go around on coney night. But like anything in life age brings new perspectives, not eating right in your 20's would probably mean packing on five pounds. In our 50's and 60's it could mean finding yourself in a hospital bed with your ticker hooked up to something that looks like a piece of luggage with a Gieger counter on it.

Remember all of that stuff your mind tried to sort out on the way to work this morning. Things like your mortgage payment, your taxes, the state of the GDP, and what exactly was that funky taste in the preacher's wife's green bean casserole over the weekend. The truth is, if your heart gives out on you today, none of that stuff will matter tomorrow. In fact, if our relatives don't occasionally talk about us over the pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving and give us a nice headstone, there will be no trace left of us in the red, dusty, Oklahoma wind. And just think, my wife doesn't think I have what it takes to be a motivational speaker.

If you have been paying much attention over the past 30 years or so you will also see that any food that is being called healthy on Monday, by Friday will be linked to cancer. Just for fun and a bit of context I have condensed this list down for you, so you get the idea. On the bad list are things like microwave popcorn, hydrogenated oils, red meat, bread, sugar, and alcohol. What's going to be next on the list, sex and an announced visit to the DMV? I have news for the people at the heart association, if eating a steak every couple of weeks is going to knock 15 minutes off my life I say, "SO BE IT"! Just go ahead and bury me with my gold-plated steak knife in hand. Granny always told me, "If you are going to eat like a horse you also have to work like one."

I recently ran across an article that gave 8 reasons why coffee is good for your health. I cannot come up with 8, but I know of one for sure. Once I am halfway through one strong cup, I am usually in a panic to find a newspaper, my reading glasses, and the throne room. That type of black gold can rival anything you find over the counter at Walgreens including the pill they give you a day before a colonoscopy. Every time this happens to me, I can just hear granny saying to me "young man, you need a good cleaning out." The old girl was convinced that purging our digestive systems of everything on occasion was the medical equivalent to finding pure gold. Whether or not she was right is to be foreseen.

Folks, try to eat right today. But if you fail and happen to see your cardiologist at the donut shop, make sure to wave.