The Five Second Rule

If you have ever worked in a restaurant, you have no doubt heard about the five second rule. That is the rule that states that anything from a piece of fruit to a hamburger patty has rested joyously for less than five seconds is NOT suspect. This is to say that it is still edible and by default, still servable. Obviously, the health department would disagree. Just to be a good steward of the masses I would pop the object in question back on the grill for an extra thirty seconds or so for good measure. Surely four or five hundred degrees would kill any lingering germs. Or maybe it won't, what the hell do I know. There is no sense taking any chances with the like of E. coli or trichinosis. Trichinosis cannot be fun to have, it's not even fun to say. Speaking of questionable sanitation, many people never miss the opportunity to give what for to the Waffle House for their relaxed sanitation methods. But it should be pointed out that certain food infractions could never happen in that establishment such as (the Mc Donald's nightmare we always hear about) spitting on hamburger buns. That could never happen at WH because all the cooking happens in plain view. Their food is neither high in nutrition nor even close to being health food; in fact, it's the opposite of health food. I don't know if the product (Whirl) has ever been identified as a man kier, such as it is, but it should no doubt rest happily atop the food pyramid being an equivalent to DDT. Not even full-on lard could block arteries as fast as Whirl. But at least WH is honest. You might even be served your food by a toothless felon, but its good old American grub and they are loud and proud about it.

The five second rule should apply also at home and therefore to our lives. There are many people who would disagree with me about this fact publicly but privately relent simply for the asterisk it might leave on their reputation. These are the same people who still buy hand sanitizer by the case and wear masks in their car when they are alone. This confounds me, is this to keep from catching germs that they might pass on to themselves? Isn't that the medical equivalent of a double negative? What exactly is the thought process there? I should also share with you (being a bit of an expert on the N-1 masks) that they are as worthless as tits on a boar hog. They are for appearances only. In other words, you are not protecting ANYONE from ANYTHING, but at least you have made the liberal masses feel better when they are feeling up the tangerines in Whole Foods.