A Collector of Stuff

My son came home from work not so long ago and told me that he was working with a girl with a two-fold problem. When I asked him to elaborate, he said (and I quote) that "she was a pot head and a drama queen rolled into one." This is a lethal combination, I know because I too have encountered more than one person like this in my lifetime. I should also add that this weird combination could also be attributed to men as well. My wife and I however have a multifaceted problem which may or may not be solvable. When I use the problem, I mean that lightly, it's just a minor brush up, it's not like she went behind my back bought smooth peanut butter. It seems my wife is a world class saver, and I am a born loser. And I am not speaking about money, if only it were that simple. I am speaking about useless items that should go to Goodwill or even better yet a landfill. In short, I toss what I no longer need, and she keeps everything (no matter how useless and trivial it might be) FOREVER. Stuff is a subjective word, that's why some people's stuff is stuff and other people's stuff is crap. On the other hand, while some people's stuff is crap, other people's crap is shit. The level of crappiness depends heavily on the person's taste. We all have stuff, but depending on the individual it may be useful or just taking up valuable space.

Most people have just one junk drawer in the kitchen, we have three, and we would have even more if I hadn't put my foot down about it. Most people have items in their secret drawer like ketchup packets, dried up ball point pens, and rubber bands that have lost their elasticity. The majority of this bizarre debris hails sadly from China. It's little wonder China usually and regularly beats us at our own game. Nobody produces more useless garbage than China. AND nobody sells their sub-par goods cheaper than the Chi-coms. My thought is if an item has been rolling around a drawer for the better part of six months without being used it can safely (and without recourse) be discarded. The real estate these trinkets, gadgets, thingmajigs, fidget spinners, or deli whoppers are taking up is far more important to me than the useless object in question. In short, space is my friend. Nothing will set the wheels of a garage sale in motion faster in this house than me whacking my knee on something on my nightly voyage to the can. I need space far more than I need stuff in my life and that is a point of contention that is NOT negotiable in my zip code.

My garage space is also something that I have to continually fight for, it's far too limited and that's not right. Not only does my wife have too much stuff she also loves to frequent garage sales which also makes me the unwilling recipient of other people's stuff. It's like being willed useless items from people you have never met against your will. Too bad dust isn't tax deductible. I'm fairly sure making space for other people discarded objects was not in our wedding vows. We promised to love, cherish, provide matching checkbook covers, vacations to the Bahamas, and the occasional comment "gee your hair looks nice today dear" but taking ownership other people's garbage is a non-starter.

Not so long ago my wife asked me the following: "did you lock the front door when you left for work this morning?" You may be asking yourself what this has to do with STUFF. Just roll with me on this thought and I promise to make it worth your while. This has to do with the protection of our belongings which is taken far too seriously in this country. American citizens spend more money on locks, insurance, guns, alarms, security cameras, mace, baseball bats, nun-chucks, pitbulls with nasty dispositions, and throwing stars than they do on the actual merchandise. Are you telling me it is necessary to put a three-pound Master Lock on your sweaty work clothes that have never seen the inside of a washing machine? So, when I told her no, I didn't lock the door this caused some friction between us like I had forgotten to buy 2% milk. Here is my thought, if someone takes the time to break into our home, they are not looking to score old family pictures, granny's old butter churn, or mom's hand-me-down fine China. Thieves like that are only looking for items they can pawn like guns, computers, power tools, or possibly my 8" X 10" glossy signed picture of Redd Foxx. Everything else we are insured to the gills for. In other words, if it is stolen and replaceable we get a new one. Instead of my wife chastising me she should be giving me credit for being a forward thinker. Doesn't that make me less like a zero and a bit more like a hero?

Putting women and men in the same home together is like a powder keg with a lit fuse. Putting Adam and Eve in the garden was a tall order even by the good Lord's standards. She dug rock-n-roll, and he liked Waylon Jennings. We all know at some point Adam would have built a man cave and started bunking with the snake, tree of life notwithstanding. And good Lord forbid he forget to wash his fig leaf before bellying up to the dinner table. It's okay Adam, even you at some point would have found a pink screwdriver on your work bench.