Victoria's Secret

It wasn't so many moons ago my wife took me in tow with her to our local mall. These places are not what they used to be. Back in the day they were considered safe places to hang out, that's not really the case anymore. These days they have been known to attract gang violence. Back in the 80's all you needed was food money, now you have to know how to flash gang signs and be aware of what colors are safe to wear. But (with the exception of my wife) women still love these places. I think the only reason we were there was so she could pick out something frilly and naughty for a girlfriend's wedding shower.

To most women a mall is a second home complete with Shiatsu massage, fresh corn dogs, and warm cookies. A man however is about as comfortable at a mall as Woody Allen at a family reunion. The only time you will see a man smiling at a mall is when he has accidentally been left in front of a big screen television when there is an NFL playoff game on. The only downside is he will also (likely) be clutching an oversized purse while his wife is trying on clothes. This is time we can never get back gentleman. But when we slid on that ring of gold, we signed up for said torture whether we knew it or not. Any time a man is forced to do girlie stuff he always has this look on his face like he has been sentenced to die in the electric chair. But keep in mind time with the woman you love is never wasted. It should still be pointed out that picking a last meal from a menu at a mall would only consist of Cinnabon's or Dippin Dots. That's just doesn't sound kosher to me.

If a mall can be considered the 9th level of hell surely Victoria's Secret is the 10th. I found out that Victoria does not just have one secret, she has many. For some reason when men are surrounded by lacy panties and Garder belts our ability to act naturally disappears like a fart in a wind tunnel. I can't begin to tell you why this happens, it just does. The number one rule at the Seret is if there are any other men in the store under NO circumstance are you allowed to make eye contact with them as this could cause your man card to be revoked. This is like the unspoken rule that men don't ever strike up conversations with each other at a urinal. There is something very unnatural about standing in a public place with your manhood in hand and talking to another person of the male species. The short version of the story is we JUST DON'T do it, because whether it IS or not, it FEELS homoerotic. Men who are not gay have a huge aversion to being lumped in with anyone who might be, I suppose this is where the idea of being guilty by association started. Starting a conversation at a urinal with a friend is on par to insulting his mother's cooking. The number two secret in that store is there are as many colors to cover your private parts as there are colors in the rainbow. A man will usually go with maybe four, they are white, black, grey, and possibly navy blue (but that only happens when we are feeling frisky).

The number three rule is that there is no cap out price on what women will spend on undergarments. Just for the sake of argument I should also put forth the idea that buying lingerie is a waste of time and money. Men aren't interested in it either, their only goal is to see how fast they can get it balled up on the floor. Men don't care about sexy panties, they only care what's under them. In addition, you know the covers of those Cosmo magazines that say things like "find his ten erogenous zones?" That's a lie, we only have one, and if you have no idea by now where that is you haven't been paying much attention. The idea of spending that kind of cash on undergarments leaves me a little befuddled. That is why (in my 50's) I have stopped wearing them altogether, it fits nicely with my low-maintenance lifestyle. The number four rule which makes me a bit sad for this generation is that unless you can look through a keyhole with both eyes there is no sense in even shopping there. It's little wonder that you see young women running around these places sipping green tea shakes and eating tofu burgers. Don't these people know that in Oklahoma white gravy is a beverage? Mark my words when I tell you that a skinny woman has never kept a man warm on a cold night.