America The Absurd

Have you ever seen those medical case studies where people are addicted to heroin? Any time a person partakes in their drug of choice their brains light up like a child's Lite Brite toy. My drug of choice (evidently) is cheeseburgers, which may not be without its risks but at least it's legal. I suppose a person who had a wretched childhood cannot be blamed for trying to dull those memories, but to what end? I have always contended that any adult who cannot even take care of themselves has no business having kids no matter the root cause. But as an adult we are also compelled to own our mistakes after they have been made. In other words, in a world where I am the district attorney you will NOT be allowed to sue the inventor of the fork because your ass is too wide to fit through the front door. This is the equivalent of the idea that these days it takes a box knife in order to open the packaging of a new box knife, good old American absurdity at its best. Just remember that dulling your senses of painful memories with chemicals is like putting a Band-Aide on a cut that really needs stitches. I should also point out that once your hang over is long gone your problems will still be front and center. This is a bit like a dog that chases its own tail in that it is a task that is never quite complete.

I suppose these problems are not much different from when I was a kid, but because the presentation of said problems is so whitewashed now it often feels like a different world. Case in point, I recently heard a commercial spot on the radio where people enlisted in army national guard were helping plant flowers in the town square. Of course, this is a worthwhile endeavor, but doesn't this seem more like a job for the cub scouts. People in the national guard should be helping offset national tragedies like keeping the peace, but maybe it was just a slow week. When the boys from Viet Nam retuned home they barely had the rice patties dug out from under their fingernails before they were spat upon at the airport. How do we (as American's) square this kind of reality? It should be noted that the average age of the young men who arrived in Normandy on D-Day was 22. Can you remember your mental frame of mind at that age? I do; I was pissed off because FICA was taking money out of my paycheck that had been earmarked to pay for beer. This fact now, makes me embarrassed anytime I think about it. But we have all suffered from this type of American disease, it's called perspective.

The root of the problem is (of course) that people no longer call them as they see them. They are too busy abiding by the rules made up by the PC crowd and their ilk. Not so long ago I saw a story where a couple from South Africa discovered a potato chip with the likeness of the Virgin Mary on it. They (of course) sold it on E-Bay to an American couple for $496 and proudly have it displayed on their fireplace mantle. For just one moment consider how many bags of Ruffles you could buy with that kind of money. So, the question of the day is two-fold; #1) are you really that bored, and #2) isn't there a better remedy for said boredom? I have a whole fence row full of weeds at my house I would gladly allow you to pull one at a time. I too believe in God, but I also feel the good Lord has bigger fish to fry than burning the likeness of Mary into junk food. I mean why don't we ever hear about likeness of John the Baptist being found on the bottom of a Twinkie or Simon Peter being spotted on the back of a Pop-Tart? It's because it's never become a thing. Maybe I will see if I can change that.

Speaking of Old Testament problems, isn't it funny how things that are done in the name of God often fall under the same heading as less viable situations? There is not one ounce of difference between the level of kookiness it takes to believe in Bigfoot or building a water park for God. I am of course referring to the fiasco of the Jim Bakker debacle of the mid-seventies. In addition to reallocating church funds into places where they didn't belong (like air-conditioned dog houses) he also raped his church secretary. Not that she wasn't able to capitalize on that fame herself monetarily as she ended up in a number of MTV videos with her boobs pushed up to heights originally unknown. Yet I digress, anyone who believes that building a water slide for Jesus is a standing order in the scriptures is a half bubble off plumb. My own granny sent Jim money she really should have never parted with and couldn't afford to spend in the first place. He is lucky I wasn't a bit older at the time, otherwise I'd hunted him down and beat him like an overnight guest at Guantanamo Bay. Have you seen Jim lately on television doing his second act? He is back on TV with his second wife who is a Tammy Faye look alike peddling "end of the world food packs." More on that in a moment. It's probably just a matter of time until Jim gets tagged out by the Holy Spirit in a game of spiritual dodgeball. Jim, however, seems to have lost some of his Old Testament swagger. He now puts me in mind of the old man on The Benny Hill show who kept getting smacked on the head for gawking at young women in undersized Garder belts.

A friend of mine who has been following Jim's new show for purely entertainment purposes (out of pure curiosity) recently ordered some of his "emergency food buckets." Evidently Jim has a veritable cornucopia of what appears to be nothing more than end times gruel. Jim probably has compromising pictures of the president of the man who produces his show dressed up as a baby and being spanked by his secretary with a licorice whip. My friend ordered a BUCKET of what was being called the "30-day fiesta bucket." It evidently looked like the least offensive of the lot. BTW, it was $85 which I find duly offensive. She reported to me that it was disgusting at best and was all she could do to choke it down. The upside is it has a thirty-year shelf life. But I suppose one cannot expect to eat high on the hog when hiding out from the anti-Christ. It has been coined as survival food, not a European buffet, can I get an AMEN?!