Advice Column

Nothing makes my blood boil quite like an advice column. To begin with any such advice usually springs from a person who is unable to think for themselves. At the very least they are usually unable to wrap their heads around an easily solvable problem quickly. Whether this problem stems from a lack of decent role models, a lack of common sense, or that they are just dumber than a fence post is anyone's guess. People who are confused by everyday tasks are confounding. Try to remember that most problems in life are fairly simplistic. The taxes are either late or on time, the laundry is either dirty or its clean. If the pancakes are getting too dark, better turn down the fire. You get the idea.

Advice columns started in the 50's with Ann Landers and ended recently (in 2003) with "Ask Amy." In better than fifty years it seems American's became accustomed to so called experts making their decisions for them. Ann was still enough old school that her fixes were usually grounded in horse sense. Any of you that are not aware of what horse sense is that's when a horse has the presence of mind to step around a hole instead of stepping in it. Amy, on the other hand was younger, touchier, and some of her advice bordered on kooky. She was either a Millennial, or her parents were just former dope-smoking hippies. If people were a bit more lucid, they wouldn't need to ask senseless questions like "why does my mother-in-law hate me?" This type of problem alone should remind us that not every quandary is solvable. I'd like to see more time spent on humorous questions like "what does Emily Post say about wearing a super-hero cape to a job interview." Or "is it politically correct to ask my neighbor to stop singing in the shower." We should also consider asking questions like "if our cars could move at the speed of light and we turned on our headlights would they do anything?" People often miss out in life by refusing to think outside the box. Not only is it sometimes necessary, but it can also be a lot of fun.

Because people can sometimes be deranged in their thinking they tend to ask bizarre questions. For instance, this little gem, "I think I might be in love with my fraternal twin, what should I do?" Or this one, "I recently figured out that our family hamster loves show tunes, what should I do?" I promise you my friends, these questions are not made up. They were taken directly from the newspaper, although I would feel much better about society as a whole if I HAD made them up. How about this one that can be filed under bizarre, "my brother's drunk girlfriend stole my birthday cake." Because my granny taught me years ago that most of life's problems are easily solvable, I offer the following no frills solutions.

Question #1 (twins in love): go ahead and get paperwork started now for an annulment now so you can spare yourself the agony of a divorce later.

Question #2 (hamster) Next time you might consider breaking the Prozac's in half, in the meantime, name him Liberace, sew him a sequin jacket, and teach him to sit at a toy piano and pound on it with his nose.

Question #3 (birthday cake) Is it a bizarre circumstance, of course, but don't let the loss of a cake ruin your day, what are you five years old? Consider this, the fix would involve some flour, eggs, butter, baking powder, and sugar. It's not exactly something you should get your panties in a twist over. My best advice is to make sure when next year's party invitations are being made up, Her's gets "lost" in the mail.