Marriage/The Institution

Nothing says I love you like a big wet kiss on the lips before leaving for work. I rise early enough I must get mine the night before. Not unlike a ripe banana and a jar of peanut butter in your lunch box it gives us a sense of security. I will parse this idea with the question of the day which is, what is the determining factor that decides if that feeling lasts a lifetime or fades quickly? I have always heard people say that their marriage feels like work. This is likely because they have never learned to pick their battles carefully and get on board with the idea of agreeing to disagree. If you are married and never tried this approach to life before I suggest you try it, it's very freeing. I am here to remind you younger fellows that the grass cannot possibly be greener on the other side of the fence unless someone is fertilizing it. As your in-house truth detector, I'll remind you that requires copious amounts of manure. The secret to being successful at ANYTHING we set our minds to in life is to remember that anything worth having is worth working for. If you have ever had a cow kick over a half-full bucket while you are milking, you know of which I speak. A proper marriage at some point may involve wearing a strait jacket, that's why they call it an institution.

People sometimes ask questions like, "why doesn't romantic love automatically lead to a lifetime of happiness?" Listen folks, kissing and hugging is all fine and good but never lose sight of the fact that first you have to figure out how to be friends. Because believe it or not life will come full circle and into your twilight years you will become friends AGAIN. This is a bit like the old saying, you need to learn to walk before you can run. You should be assured one thing in the annals of wedded bliss; at some point you WILL argue. You can be assured, if you never argue someone is holding back. Many times, I have heard old timers say, "it aint kissing that sustains a marriage, it's fighting." While they may not be wrong, I'll pass on that idea. I'd rather take a hot coal in my Fruit of the Looms than have a daily pissing contest with anyone and that includes my wife.

Because you know I cannot resist anything absurd I must ask the following question. Why is it romantic liaisons with the lights off sometimes makes babies, but once the babies are born, they can ruin nocturnal activities for the rest of your days? This may just be God's reminder that he will allow us some joy in life, but we are most certainly going to pay for it. It's interesting that "little bundles of joy" as they are so often referred to produce everything EXCEPT joy for the first couple of years. Usually after the first couple of weeks couples begin to litter their sentences with pronouns like "I" and "Your." For instance, "I changed the last four diapers, now it's YOUR turn." There is something about babies being born that change us quickly from cooperative to confrontational. And it's no secret why, because children equal WORK. Any of you ladies that are allergic to work should put a dime between your knees and keep it there forever, it's the only true form of birth control.

When talking about perspective it's also important to point out the differences between marriage now and a hundred years ago. Marriage these days is all about companionship. Back in granny's day they had kids in order to fill the bill for farm hands. And it was nothing for them to have a dozen or so because many would die in infancy from things they didn't have vaccines for like smallpox. Can you imagine the sense of urgency these people felt to live their lives when life expectancy was around 30 years old? I can't imagine going through my mid-life-crisis at age fifteen. To be sure, there wouldn't be enough money in the kitty at that age to cover the cost of a Porche and a toupee. In short, the focus in a marriage from then until has changed the focus from "WE" to "ME." These days people want a prenuptial agreement, walk-in closets, heated blankets with dual remotes, matching fuzzy slippers, and a yearly trip to the Caribbean. I can just hear grand pappy now saying, "That's not a marriage, that's a free-for-all."