Confusing Laws

When I was a kid, I occasionally became aware of a new law that would make the Okie alarms sound off in my head. Back then it seemed like those laws only came down the pike every ten years or so. Now days it seems like there is a perplexing new law every time I turn around. It also seems that the new one is more confounding than the last. Please enjoy my twisted take the following new Oklahoma laws.

#1) TOPLESS IN OKLAHOMA

If you hail from the "free love" generation, have no fear, the state of Oklahoma may just have your back, or in this case your front. The 10th circuit court of appeals passed a law in 2019 that's says you are free to show off the ta-tas in the state of Oklahoma, but it is obviously enforced differently in OKC than it would be in Hooker Oklahoma. This has been referred to as the "FREE THE NIPPLE" clause and it's confusing to say the least. I get it ladies, wearing a bra all day is the equivalent to wearing a jock strap on your chest for eight hours, nobody wants that. But, at some point I suppose we must prove that we are just slightly more sophisticated than other higher primates. That is why we are often referred to as homo sapiens. Most other critters just sniff each other socially, evidently, they can tell something from that. I suppose there are certain things we do that are just done in the name of social dignity.

Oklahoma attorney Mike Hunter recently weighed in on the topic and said (essentially) "CALM DOWN STREAKERS, A FEDERAL STATUTE DOESN'T NECESSARILY CHANGE OKLAHOMA LAW." I have conducted my own unofficial poll to find that with females the opinions on the subject vary greatly according to age. Older women who were taught to cross their legs when they sit tend to be a bit more conservative in their views. Younger ladies tend to be more liberal and feel that the human body is beautiful and deserves to be celebrated. But what about topics like breast feeding in public? That one has always stumped me. We often hear people say things "WELL, IT'S A NATURAL EVENT." Well, so is burping and farting, but we try our best to regulate that. Like most other things the truth of the matter probably resides somewhere in the middle.

No matter what your gender, if you are in need of a sports bra, you SHOULD wear one. I suppose this is why places like nudist colonies and strip joints still exist. Women under the age of 25 seem to be much more onboard with a topless law and that stands to reason because that would be long before gravity has taken over. Women who are in possession of breast that are still pointing up seem to be more into the idea of showing them off. Anything that is still pointing UP seems to continue to be a point of personal pride. Understand, this isn't a sexist remark against women, it's just a mathematical equation sprinkled with a few facts. The same can be said for men's testicles, the older we get the lower they hang. I'd be quick to say the same thing about men's breast, but we don't usually grow into a "C" cup until we are in our mid 50's.

#2) MEDICAL MOWEWOWEE

Merle Haggard started out his infamous song "Okie from Muscogee" with these words, "we don't smoke pot in Muskogee." Well, if Merle were still around, he would find that's just not true anymore. Do you think he would spin in his grave if he knew that as of today there are 123 "medical" pot shops in Broken Arrow alone? That (BTW) is 37% increase from just five years ago. This all comes to Okies via Title 63 Section 420 that was voted on in originally in 2018. Using the term medical is laughable in this instance because it insinuates that it is being regulated, because of course is NOT. Getting a medical marijuana card these days is easier to get than a cold sore at Rocklahoma. If you suffer from headaches all the way to hangnails, you too can have a pot card. If there were some kind of true movement happening that regulated such ridiculousness the strands wouldn't be called things like "girl scout cookies, or pink and wet." In addition, once you have a CBD card in hand and turn over the back you will find on the regulations that you are allowed to purchase and have on your person 72oz of edibles. FOLKS that's FIVE POUNDS!

Can anyone tell me once we have partaken of all five pounds of our edibles and decide we are still good to drive what kind of test will the OHP give us? Is it the same one they give you if you have one too many martinis with dinner? I have asked that question with many people who are familiar with DOT laws, but nobody seems to have the answer. I don't care how many medical marijuana growers' gangs up on me they will never convince me that if a trucker smokes too much "PURPLE URKLE" he is still okay to drive. And keep in mind, the only time stoners drive fast is to get to the nearest Taco Bell.

#3) LEGALLY TOTING YOUR PEACE MAKER

I practically grew up with a pistol in my hand, so when the law changed in 2019 that no longer required a license for open carry in Oklahoma, I grinned like a dog with a mouth full of porcupine quills. Liberal types are always trying to figure out how to disarm rednecks. But keep in mind that 300,000 souls per year drown, so does that mean we should also outlaw water? In comparison in 2023, 46,000 people died of gunshot wounds. However, like the passage of any law there will no doubt be both good and bad outcomes from them. While most Okies are God-fearing and law-abiding there are also some folks here that are generally off their rockers, and I'll remind you the new rules pertain to them as well. In short, even those who are one sandwich shy of a picnic can wield a gun. Just ask Charlie Kirk's widow if she thinks kooks with guns are on full display. There is nothing as dangerous as a person carrying an AR-15 with a social and political axe to grind. But this often makes me wonder, what ever happened to peaceful sit ins and civil disobedience? I rarely think hippies had good ideas, but in this instance, they might just have the right idea.