The Hairy One Rules

In a parking lot last week, I saw a bumper sticker that said, "Bigfoot doesn't believe in you either." In the same lot I saw one that had an outline of the beast that was in rainbow colors, does that mean if he is ever found his shoes will match his purse? Or does it just mean we will soon see him riding on the Judy Garland float in the next pride parade? Do you suppose that people who live around Lockless are also ate to the bone with the existence of Nessie? The questions that surround the likes of such weird phenomenon seem endless. While sightings of Sasquatch in North America are down (pot brownies becoming legal in Oklahoma notwithstanding) the belief that such a being exists is on the uptick. I tend to treat these stories a bit like the following American perplexities: dark matter, the tooth fairy, poltergeists, black holes, Santa Clause, taxation without representation, Hillary Clinton wearing a dress, and Area 51. I usually treat such subjects a bit like I would the existence of aliens, until they capture me and stick one of those weird probes up my bum, I will remain an unbeliever. Until that time I will just advise these people to next time break the Lithium pills in thirds. Are people these days simply just bored, a little off their rockers, or possibly a sprinkling of both.

Now, follow my twisted Okie logic for just a moment. Since about the year 2000 cell phones have been on the rise in popularity and at this point, I'd go out on a limb and say that pretty much everyone has one, especially since they are now cheaper operating than a land line. Buying them however usually requires the sale of a kidney. Whether people are at work, school, church, or just camping on the weekend they can be seen clutching their phones like Linus holding his tattered blue woobie. It wasn't so long ago a professor from Cambridge University ran an experiment where all of his students were asked to surrender their phones for a period of one week. If they were successful, they were guaranteed an A on the end of semester exam. Not one of those students made it more than 24 hours without their electrotonic security blanket. That's just sad folks. So, I think it is safe to say that pretty much every person with a pulse has one in their back pocket. I should add, were it not for the fact that I am married I WOULD NOT be in possession of a phone. I dig thinking about the times when not everything in life was considered an emergency. I cherish the times when I owned an answering machine, and I was allowed to wait until I got home from a week-long trip before I returned any incoming call. The best part was by the time I got around to calling them back they had usually forgotten why they called in the first place.

Having this information about current technology in hand do you suppose it's still possible that old hairy exists but in the past twenty years nobody has seized the opportunity to get a selfie with him? How is that possible? I know one old boy who owns a trail cam that catches the movement of everything. If a mouse were seen taking a crap in the vicinity of that cam it would be there for all to see. Even television shows devoted to such ridiculousness never produce any real evidence. Throughout the show they keep baiting you in with the hopes you will stay tuned to the end to see what they find. When television shows advertise that they have concrete proof that the creature really does exist they usually just end it with the caption "so in the end we are left with more questions than answers." This is just their way of saying; we didn't find him either. It's too bad they didn't catch any footage of him running away from a campsite clasping a hand full of Slim Jims and a dime bag of weed. Because, let's be honest, without weed camping is just sleeping on the ground.

The only known video footage of Bigfoot was shot in Northern California by a guy named Roger Patterson in 1967. In case you don't know that makes the footage as old as I am and I have more birthdays behind me than in front of me. In addition, a fellow by the name Phillip Morris (no relation to the cigarette tycoon) claimed he had made a specially fitted bigfoot costume for Patterson for a Halloween party (the week before the footage surfaced). It is also suspect that Patterson is a semi-professional film maker, which doesn't help his case.

I have often heard of Yeti's being referred to as "elusive creatures." Fine, I'll bite on that logic. However, how do we explain that there has never been any evidence found of hair, claws, droppings, or teeth. Essentially NO DNA of any kind has ever been found or examined that has been reported. Is it possible these creatures just live to exist within our ears like unicorns and honest congressmen? How is it that a standard human being that walks into a room for more than a full sixty seconds always leaves some DNA behind, but a 400-pound ape-like man can scratch himself against a cotton wood tree and not leave behind even one hair?