Adulting

We have all seen that tee shirt that says something like "I cannot adult today." There is a reason why it's called adulting, that's because only adults are supposed to do it. If chocolate milk gets spilled on your white shag carpet or someone misses the toilet bowl an adult will usually be the one to clean it up. Which brings us to the question of the day, since when should our children be allowed to treat our homes like a hotel room? My grandma had this little embroidered nick-knack that hung over the toilet that read: "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seaty." Grandma's diatribe about social graces was a little on the cutesy side, but her point was warranted and well taken. Allow me to rant ever so briefly about boys missing the toilet. The male stream is barely as big around as a number two pencil but somehow many of them cannot seem to keep it within the confines of an eighteen-inch toilet bowl. DID I MISS SOMETHING IN MATH CLASS?! Early on I taught my son good aim by putting Cheerios in the bowl and telling him to aim for the holes. A young man should never just be given free rein over a toilet bowl like he is attempting to write his name in the snow. It sounds a little ridiculous, but it works. In a sense he was being conditioned to exercise good manners but to his little brain it just felt like a game to him.

I find it a bit astounding how often kids condition their parents instead of the other way around. An old man once taught me that you could tie a burlap sack to a Lugnut and get a dog that chases cars permanently broken of his bad habit. Once they get their teeth hung in the sack and their head bounces off the ground a few times they will stop that nonsense. So today I have compiled a list of things we should and should not do as adults.

#1) DO TAKE THE TIME TO LOVE YOURSELF: Infamously, my wife once asked me what I think when I look in the mirror. My answer was "I don't hate what I see." Taking my reply as simply a smug retort, like I thought of myself as "God's gift to women" she never allowed me to explain exactly what I meant. The truth is most people hate themselves to some degree, and most women (especially) hate the way they look. I'm no psychologist but I don't think that is healthy, do you? I am not a believer in self-help books, yoga, soothsayers, The Dali Lama, or studying the world through my third eye (which by the way, mine may be in need of a monocle). Contrary to what you may have been told interpersonal skills should only be practiced with the bathroom door shut and locked. I am also not much of a proponent of ignoring the needs of those around us and tending only to ourselves. In the words of Mr. Miyagi "in all things we should try to achieve balance." Simply put, if we never achieve the ability to love ourselves, we can never truly love those around us. It sounds a bit like a Sunday School lesson, but it is even more simplistic than that. Check your cliff notes on The Andy Griffith Show, above all else abide by the golden rule. We should always treat others in the way we would like to be treated. The world would be a better place if we all did this.

#2) DO ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE SAD WHEN IT'S NECESSARY. I am a firm believer in letting sorrow flow when it's necessary I just don't think you should allow it to become a permanent part of you, otherwise it festers. Some folks spend their entire lives striving for happiness but never finding it. While happiness is a great emotion, we must remember it is only one of many. In an attempt to remain well-rounded individuals, we have to allow ourselves to experience a whole range of emotions. Letting go of a loved one is never easy, but it is something we must all deal with eventually. Never underestimate the power of tears through laughter, it's very healing. And you men out there that think you are too much of a tough guy to cry I have but one question for you, you were born with tear ducts, weren't you? What do you think they are for?

#3 DO TAKE A WALK ON A SUNNY DAY AND REFELECT ON THE GOOD AND BAD OF LIFE. Being nearly an expert on the subject, because I do it every day, I'd say it's definitely in the top five things you can do for your mental health. Taking a long walk and clearing you head from all the crap that happens on any given day is the best and the cheapest form of therapy known to man. The mental help "experts" will tell you that spilling your guts to a complete stranger with a degree in penis envy is the best thing you can do for your brain, but I wholeheartedly disagree.

#4) DON'T BE A JACKASS. At this moment you are likely thinking to yourself, well duh, doesn't that go without saying? You would be surprised the number of people who let good life advice like that evade them like the logic that socks should never be worn with sandals. That's a lesson I learned from my wife. I can tell that personally I have not always followed this advice and it sometimes haunts me, and my wife never allows me to forget. And because I grew up in the 80's there were times when my jackassery was caught on camera. Is that a word? I am unsure, but if it isn't it should be. I often fret over the idea that when we try to pass into the pearly gates that our top five indiscretions might be played on a giant screen for all to see like a crudely made "this is your life" YouTube video. Never be an A-hole, it makes every situation worse, and chances are you will regret it.

#5) DON'T COMPETE AGAINST YOURSELF. Often when we compete in life, we need to ask what we are doing it for. If you are trying to make the rooster of an NFL team, you better run your wind sprints. If you are planning on running for president in 2024 it might behoove you see what kind of documents old sloppy Joe is shredding and don't forget to kiss a few babies. But just because old Joe Blow next door got himself a fancy new riding mower doesn't mean you should go into damage control. And just remember this, you cannot take it with you. You will likely go out of this world just like you came into it, naked as a jaybird and slapped on the ass by the attending physician. Keep your wits about you when you are spending money folks. If every penny you make just blows through your fingers like the wind you will likely die penniless.

#6) NEVER STAY FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE WHO SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF YOU. I usually refer to these people as soul suckers, you know like the dementors from the Harry Potter films. How many times have you had a conversation with a friend and heard this phrase "old so-and-so is sucking my will to live." I say cut that sombitch lose! Then they usually go into a long story about how they have been friends with that person since they were in diapers, well does that make the friendship any more or less one-dimensional? Longevity won't solve the quality issue. We should remember that some friendships are built to stand the test of time, others eventually expire like a tuna fish sandwich that is left on a hot car seat in July. Young boys especially can become friends over practically nothing. I once became friends with a guy in our neighborhood simply because he had a cool dirt bike. What I am saying from a grownup point of view is it's important to understand when a friendship is no longer beneficial to either party. If you find yourself ducking behind the Little Debbie's display at the supermarket to avoid eye contact, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. True friendships should be a two-way street, not a one-way dead end.