The first piece of advice I can offer men about women is never ask your wife if she enjoys that slurping sound you make while eating soup unless you are prepared to hear the truth. Repetitive sounds like overall clasps in the dryer, ticking clocks, and my son drumming on an empty pickle bucket in his room drive my wife crazy. Chances are, anything loud or repetitive will send he over the proverbial edge. But hey, life is all about compromise, right? So that brings us to the question of the day, "what do our wives really want from us?" I have spent the better part of my life contemplating that very question when two things occurred to me. Most of my life I have been so full to the brim with testosterone I would have just as soon taken a pass on the subject all together. I spent most of my twenties swilling bad decaf and watching Sanford and Son reruns. And secondly, if we men had been paying attention whatsoever, we would know because women spend most of their time telling us EXACTLY what they expect of us. the problem lies in our inability to comply. It's a bit like when we have the right to remain silent, just not the ability. Women are very subtle creatures, but if we listen with intent, we can always figure out the temperature in the room. Women communicate in what I affectionately call "women speak" and it is imperative that we poor male slobs crack that code. For instance... when was the last time you heard your wife use the word FINE? Was it a genuine fine or a "screw you" fine? The meat and potatoes of that word lies solely in the inflection. See where I am coming from? Speaking for my gender as a whole we are not great listeners, to be frank we usually suck at it. As a general rule, unless you find yourselves in a compromising position under the sheets never ask your wife "who's your daddy." Evidently only Toby Keith knows the true answer to that question.
My wife is often left with those burning questions like, why do I sometimes leave my socks on while I'm in bed? She often reminds me "that's not hot" but the last time I cared what anyone thought Ronald Reagan was president. Trust me when I tell you nothing is as freeing as having lived long enough that you have nothing to prove to anyone. She often wants to know why I cannot take the time to lower the toilet seat lid when I am finished with my business but the same could be asked of her just in reverse. Questions that circulate in the bathroom like toilet seats, which direction the toilet paper roll faces, and where wet towels go are responsible for more divorces than infidelity ever could be. Have no fear, my wife will have plenty of time to contemplate my idiosyncrasies because without exception men always die first, sometimes just because we want to, or we simply need the rest. My grandpa Lightcap once mentioned to me he felt as though grandma literally had the ability to nag him to death. So today I leave you with my top ten list of important points to remember while trying to get along with your spouse, ingest and enjoy.
#10) Kissing is a privilege not a right, so keep the slobber to a minimum and NO garlic.
#9) If you take her to a steak house don't expect her to order soup and salad TIGHTWAD!
#8) All men should contemplate what makes their wife the happiest and try to accomplish that at least one day per week, even if it is something as simplistic as vacuuming the carpet.
#7) Never forget that occasionally your wife still wants you to treat her like you are still dating, this means you should remember to hold her hand and tell her she looks pretty.
#6) DO NOT hunt your wife down like a blood hound, if she truly loves you, she will always return to you.
#5) In the words of Redd Foxx, never forget to wash your ass, this applies to marriage or just life in general.
#4) Never clean or clip your fingernails at the dinner table, that is just one step above prehistoric man.
#3) On occasion truly listen to your wife intently, men only utter about 7,000 words per day compared to women's 20,000 per day. So, it will feel like the equivalent of a full cavity search by the IRS but trust me when I tell you it is worth the effort, and she will appreciate the effort.
#2) When your wife announces that her mother wants the two of you over for dinner try not to roll your eyes.
#1) Three months after the two of you have purchased a new sofa and she excitedly announces she found the arm rest covers hiding under the cushions don't mock her. She told me it was the only time in our eighteen-year marriage she wanted to knee me in the groin. Learn from my mistakes my friends, it could save you a lot of pain.
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