The first bit of sage advice I can offer any married man is don't ask your wife if she enjoys that slurping sound you make when you eat soup unless you are prepared to hear the truth. Repetitive sounds like overall clasps clanking in the dryer, ticking clocks, and my son drumming on empty buckets makes my wife crazy. But, hey life's all about compromise, isn't it? Men, are you ready for the question of the day? What does your wife really want from you? At some point I realized I have spent the better part of my life pondering that question. Then two things occurred to me, #1) had I not been so full to the brim with testosterone in my younger life I would have just taken a pass on trying to figure it out altogether, and #2) if I had ACTUALLY been paying attention, I would have already figured it out because women spend the better part of their and lives telling us. The only stipulation is we MUST listen carefully, and let's be honest, that is not something we men excel at. Women often speak in code and it's imperative that we crack that code... mission impossible. Do you doubt my premise? Do you remember the last time your wife used the word fine? What she means when she uses that word can sometimes be determined by her inflection. I usually end up asking my wife, "do you mean for real fine or go to hell fine?" Men are obvious and women are subtle.
First, let us break down the questions you should never ask your wife like, "who's your daddy?" Unless you have your loved one in a compromising position in the bedroom with your hand on her butt this question is a non-starter. And if you really need the answer to that question, ask Toby Keith, evidently, he knows the answer. I read an article not so long ago that said that if a woman is not married by a certain age, they will never find mental stability. Thats HOGWASH! Telling a woman, she needs a man to find her mental center makes about as much sense as asking Woody Allen to be your shrink. Can you even imagine just how uncomfortable his family reunions must be. As a general rule we should never ask someone for mental help that is more screwed up than we are.
I usually leave my wife with burning questions like why I leave my socks on in bed. She assures me (and I quote) "that's not hot." But that's okay because the last time I cared what anyone thought was during the Reagan administration. On the off times we actually share a toilet she wants to know why I never lower the lid. The toilet lid conversation has caused more marital consternation, strife, and divorces than infidelity could ever dole out. And let's be honest, it's not a cumbersome task to lower the lid, after one gets past the 30%-point gravity does the rest. And just a note, the powers that be (or possibly even old scratch himself) has invented one that closes itself. Have no fear, my wife will have plenty of time to contemplate those questions long after I am gone. Men always die first, and sometimes just because we want to. Grandpa often joked about the fact that grandma could nag him to death if she took the notion. So, I leave you today with the top ten points to remember while trying to get along with your wife.
#10) Kissing is a privilege not a right, so keep it clean and skip the garlic.
#9) Remember, if you take her to a steakhouse don't expect her to order a salad tightwad.
#8) At least one day per month a man should think about what makes his wife happiest and DO it, even if it is something as simplistic as sweeping the floor.
#7) Every once in a while, a woman wants to be treated like she is still your girlfriend, so don't forget to hold her hand and tell her she looks pretty, even (or especially) when she doesn't.
#6) Don't continually hunt your wife down like a blood hound, if she truly loves you, she will eventually return home.
#5) In the words of Redd Foxx, "don't forget to wash your ass." This applies especially to being married or just life in general.
#4) Never clean or clip your fingernails at the kitchen table, that is just one step above prehistoric man.
#3) Every now and then pay attention to what your wife is saying. It may sound redundant but the number of words a woman will speak in a given day is somewhere around the 20,000 mark, and men 5K. It sounds like a huge task, and it is, but she will appreciate the effort.
#2) When your wife announces that your mother-in-law wants to have the two of you over for dinner just keep your eye on the prize, likely you won't get roped into helping with the dishes.
#1) Three months after the two of you have purchased a new couch and she is over the moon because she just found the armrest covers in the cushions, don't roll your eyes at her. It's the only time in our 18-year marriage when she wanted to knee me in the groin, or so she says.
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