We All Poop

Take these three simplistic words and contemplate them for just a moment, "we all poop." Don't shoot the messenger, I don't make up the rules, I just follow them like you. I am merely a student at your feet. Pooping essentially falls in line behind subjects like sexual intercourse. Our parents took the time to explain how procreation works, where babies come from. Then, they spent the next 18 years telling us it's too dirty to talk about. Maybe we owe a debt of gratitude to Bill and Monica for bringing the subject front and center. The lesson Bill taught us was if you have an orgasm, no matter what means you took to get there it's still considered sex. Bill seemed befuddled by this information but it's possible he was just playing dumb. Surely there are better qualified people to tech sex education than Kenneth Star.

I will never be the guy to give props to bathroom humor, but I'll also never be the one to act like it never happens. What I am saying is while it shouldn't be front and center there is still some humor in the misfortunes of life we are ALL required to take part in. My only ask in a public restroom is that you text instead of talk. There is nothing more annoying than someone in the stall next to me talking loud enough for the whole place to hear, not to mention there is always that strange echo porcelain makes. I think this is STILL called bathroom etiquette, but I'll have to check and get back to you; the rules may have changed when i wasn't looking. It seems that phones have changed the rules about dang near everything. My dad was married to his second wife for better than ten years and he told me once that in all that time he NEVER heard her burp or pass gas. Of course, this doesn't mean it didn't happen, she was just extra careful at picking her moments. Any person who is denied those human luxuries would at first become very cranky and would eventually explode like a hot air balloon with too much air in it. Okay, a strange, funny, yet off-subject factoid is this: mice have no way of dispelling gas from their bodies so if you feed them a cap full of your favorite soft drink they are done for.

Recently, because our employee restrooms are under construction we have been using Port-a-Johns at work. And these are not the white-trash version that you must hold your breath when you walk into them on a summer day. They have running water, soap dispensers, and even air conditioning. I am unaware if there is a top-shelf version of an outhouse but if there is such a thing this is it. Interestingly though it seems they have recently started piping easy listening music into them, you know, groups like the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, and just a splash (forgive the pun) of blue-eyed soul. Did someone along the line do some research only to find that listening to the easy beats of Christopher Cross and Michael McDonald will help a person squeeze off difficult number two with a little less stress? It has to be less taxing than listening to Beethoven's "5th" or Metallica's "Kill Them All." There is no doubt in my mind that music with that kind of urgency could cause a bit of distress in the lower intestine. But at work we all have to keep in mind that an emergency could happen at any moment which over the radio is called "CODE BROWN" so it is important not to nod off while doing your duty, or in this case DOOTY. This is a serious inconvenience for me as I always like to take a newspaper with me but the boss frowns on that, who could blame him? We still have to make sure the old man gets his money's worth, right?

Have you ever met someone who is convinced that lighting matches after pooping takes away the toxic fumes? Just in case you were wondering, IT DOESN'T! I even have a family member who often visits my home who carries with her a mini bottle of air freshener in her purse. After a couple spritz of that my bathroom smells like a pine forest AND methane gas, how delightful is that? This is akin to the person that thinks if they bathe themselves in perfume, they can cover up the fact that they have been smoking no-filter Camels all day. If you never have encountered one yet, at some point you will, they are out there and they are coming for you. Nothing can compare to smelling fresh like good old soap, water, and deodorant. Showering is nearly our only defense to body odor. People who drench themselves in perfume just want to give the impression that they have showered, however many of them have not.

Young kids even have music that is supposed to help them go, called "Elmo's Potty Time." And, for whatever reason the top four pooping songs for adults are as follows: #4) Let it go (from the Frozen movie), #3) "Don't worry, be happy" by Bobby McFerrin, #2) "Happy" by Pharrell Williams, and #1) "Uptown Funk" by Bruno Mars. None of these make sense to me except Let it Go, cause first you sing it, then you do it. Who would want to listen to such happy and upbeat tunes while doing their business? Personally, I prefer "Talking Care of Business" by BTO.