I feel sorry for anyone who works on a commission and tries to sell me anything. If I didn't reach out to them first, they are going to get a pretty cold reception, and I am a fairly warm person. I remember back in the day when we would have just sat down for dinner only to have either a knock at the front door or the telephone would ring. Of course, on the other end would be a salesman. many of you remember that thing we called the telephone, don't you? It was made out of hard plastic, weighed about five pounds, and it usually came in just two colors, black, or dayglow yellow. And the rule of thumb is if you had a teenaged girl living in the house the chord would be so twisted you couldn't use it. Many were the times I watched my mom stand on a kitchen chair and attempt to unravel it. Nothing causes more hate and discontent than a Kirby vacuum salesman who interrupts homemade lasagna. I remember taking that mammoth machine apart many times as a kid in order to clean it. In addition, it was so heavy that when you were done sweeping with it you had to make an appointment with you chiropractor. But at least the machine was made out of materials that would last. I had to throw in that last statement, people who are over the age of fifty are required by law to say at least one per day "they don't make them like they used to." I remember grandma once sucking a twenty-two bullet into her Kirby and it hit the primer with such velocity it went off. Thank the good Lord nobody was hurt, but it makes for a great redneck story. I should present that tale to Jeff Foxworthy; he might even pay me for the rights to it.
Now where was I? Oh right, trying to save money. I learned to be what I call "thrifty" (but most people call hopelessly tight) from grandpa on dad's side. Many were the times I saw him take the full balance of the electric bill, divide it in half, and then pay that amount. It seems the man was born with some sixth sense about just how little he could get away with paying them without getting cut off. He would often tell me that if he got lucky enough to die while still owing a utility company money that was like money in the bank. I guess I shouldn't have been at all surprised that a man who grew up in the Great Depression could figure out how to beat the system. Few of us that are still alive today know what it feels like to be truly hungry. True hunger cannot be derived by just skipping breakfast. That comes from going sometimes days on end without anything but some nondescript gruel. It's the kind of hunger you feel all the way to your back molars, and your stomach would swear that your throat had been cut.
When it comes to making large purchases during hard times nothing rates higher on the headache scale than tires. I suppose that is because these days even the cheap ones require a bank loan. This past weekend I took my F-150 to get the tires rotated. I get this done religiously because (whether I am right or wrong) I am convinced it lengthens the life of the tires. In fact, my last set of Goodyears were only rated as a fifty-thousand-mile tire, but I managed to get one hundred and fifteen thousand miles out of them. This time around I bit the bullet, wrote an apology letter to my wallet, and put ten-ply Michelins all the way around it. I figure that should keep me in the lap of rubber luxury until rapture. Those are rated as eighty-thousand-mile tires, so I cannot think of one reason why those wouldn't last the life of the vehicle. But with no better than twenty thousand miles under their belt the salesman was already trying to tell me that 25% of their life was spent. Now, I flunked out of freshman algebra, but I can still count well enough to know that dog won't hunt. When he sailed into his sales pitch I dang near peed myself with laughter. He better get used to looking at those tires because he will be looking at them for the foreseeable future.
I understand that many people these days are working on commissions, but those people should also understand that Americans are pinching their quarters so hard that they are becoming dollars. Life is all about reality, if you disbelieve my premise remove all the marshmallows from a box of Lucky Charms and see if you aren't left with a container of cat litter. Back in coupon clipping days I became so adept at the gig that by the time I was checked out THEY owed ME money. So, in that vein today I leave you my top ten tips for becoming a professional tightwad. Enjoy.
#10 Marry you nearly empty laundry detergent containers like you would ketchup bottles in a restaurant.
#9) It was not more than a couple of years ago since toothpaste could be had for a dollar a tube, now it is double that. So, make sure you get the most mileage out of every tube. In this instance a rolling pin and your kitchen counter can be your best friend. Remember, squeeze from the bottom.
#8) Always remember to strain you used cooking oil through a coffee filter and reuse. I used to do the same with motor oil until I realized my F-150 block and pistons suffered. Although it is possible I just mixed up the peanut oil and the Quaker State 30wt, who knows.
#7) Speaking of coffee filters, I should reiterate that in a pinch they can double as TP, but I'd advise against flushing them.
#6) Always dilute the bottom of your shampoo bottle with H2O and mix thoroughly until you can wash, rinse, and repeat no more.
#5) You can take left over slivers of used soap and marry them into once piece. Never discount the aide of your shop vice in this instance.
#4) Instead of throwing away your plastic pot scrubber away when it starts to stick up the kitchen drop it in the dishwasher, you might be surprised just how much life is left in it.
#3) Do your own ironing, it will save you tons of cash and it is therapeutic like sewing quilts, or reading a good novel.
#2) Use only cold water on shirts with stains, it saves money on your gas bill and the stains are less likely to set.
#1) Always reuse plastic cups and switch to water instead of drinking sodas, I saved $1,500 last year alone with that one change.
BONUS: Give up those high interest credit cards, they are probably killing your wallet and you might not even know it.
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