Anytime I start criticizing an organization as wealthy as the NFL with the truth (as I see it) it makes me a little nervous. But what the hell, they cannot take what I don't have right? It brings back grandma's old saying "it's impossible to get blood out of a turnip." Maybe in this instance the acronym NFL just stands for Not For Long. I will freely admit that I am a certified A1 football junky. Personally, I love it all and always have. It seems no first down is complete without a burp from a beer or a plate of hot wings. Football fans are usually known for being patriotic and so when people started taking a knee, they did lose some viewers. But for any problem there is a fix, shortly after that fiasco started, they began going to commercial during the National Anthem... problem solved. It's a bit like covering up a turd in a litter box, if you cannot smell it, or in particular if you cannot see it, was it ever there? However, most people watch sports to forget about politics, so when the two become intertwined most people including myself just check out. But strangely football is the only sport I watch. And please don't try pulling that Englishman bit on me where you try to say that only soccer is real football. People often seem to be confused about why American football is so popular, but I am not one of them.
Please allow me to unpack this idea for you as I have given it a lot of thought. Anyone who doesn't think that America thrives on violence has never paid much attention to how many Rambo movies are on the shelf. It has gotten to the point where sex got clean, and sports got dirty. Just exactly how did that happen? And while I will remind you that both sex and death are both natural events, as far as I know no Rambo movies have ever been turned into a snuff films. And if they have, I not interested in seeing them. American's these days are easily offended but they still cannot seem to get enough of car chase scenes and decapitations, talk about absurdity at its best. We like to espouse family values but deep down we long for blood and guts. It's always perplexing to see a snarl on our highway system when after we beep and creep for an hour, we find that it is nothing more than an old man changing a flat on his Buick. One word, rubberneckers! God, forbid they miss first-hand what they could catch a glimpse of on the six-O'clock news. It is a sad state of affairs that an old man in his 90's that fought in WW2 must change a flat by himself but a woman with curves for days wouldn't stand there with a tire tool in her hand for more than a hot minute without some stud with a head full of hair and a six-pack stopping to help her and then leaving with her phone number. Trying to refute that America was built on Marlboro's, NASCAR, Playboy models, sugar laden foods, and testosterone is a fool's errand.
The reason that football is so popular springboards from the reason why the most popular part of hockey games are the fights. American's love collisions of all types and in football every play must end in a violent collision. Are you familiar with the term "getting stuck?" Let me see if I can clear up the term for you. In nineth grade football while playing our rivals in a game tied at 14 with 45 seconds to play in the in the 4th quarter, I lunged at the opposing team's quarterback. He wasn't any bigger than a bar of soap but that didn't really matter as he was likely put on weights and steroids in 5th grade. Not only did he run over me, but he also left cleat marks on my forehead. The law of physics and leverage always apply on the football field, but for some reason that afternoon they didn't apply to him. Not only was he able to unload on me, but he was also able to use my own strengths against me like he was Mr. Miyagi catching a fly with a pair of chopsticks. As I was exiting the field of play my coach reached out, shook my hand, and said "congratulations, you just got your ass handed to you by a man half your size." See how much middle school has changed since the dark ages' kids? Those of you that were not even a gleam in dad's eye at that time really didn't miss much. Back in those days football coaches also usually taught American history or sometimes shop class. A lot of things were allowed to go on back in those days that are not now, some for the better some for worse. More than once in my young school days I saw football coaches get away with doing and saying pretty questionable things to junior high girls. Now days, those things would be characterized as felonies, back then I think they considered them perks. My shop teacher had a bad habit of losing a finger per semester from his right hand so by the time we graduated from eight grade he started answering to the nickname Lefty.
Women in my life usually pose the question why football players often smack other player on the butt after a play gone right. I am uncertain just what kind of answer they were expecting, but there is no underlying homo-erotic reason why that phenomenon exists. The reason is simple, it the only place on the body that is not padded to the point where you cannot feel it. Now, why we sometimes catch each other on the tail end with a wet towel, that is something that happens often, and I cannot explain why. It probably has something to do with testosterone. There is also the occasional hazing incident where a rookie ends up with Icy-Hot in their jockstrap which I also cannot explain. Evidently it has come to pass that the only way to gain each other's attention is to hit us where the good Lord split us. This leads me to the next question about why on 3rd and long a linebacker can come in from the strong side of the field and take off a quarterback's head with no penalty flag while it is being coined as "a clean hit" but during intermission a coach can make a derogatory comment about the line judges momma and will get called for unsportsmanlike conduct and get slapped with a 15-yard penalty? In the end football is a bit like life... it's always means to an end.
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