First World Problems

Consider for a moment the problems a simple shopping cart creates, I'm mean besides most of them needing a front-end alignment. This invention is likely in the top five inventions in the world. I would dole them out in this order, man-made flight, the creation of the internal combustion engine, Scotch Tape, the shopping cart, and Sunday morning breakfast in bed with your loved one and a newspaper. You might notice that I didn't list the cell phone as many others might. The reason being is two-fold, number one they were designed to allow us more free time to engage each other as human beings and they have accomplished just the opposite. And number two, they cause me (personally) more headaches than any other modern-day convenience. Where I not married, I'd run over mine and drop the broken pieces in the river and leave skid marks as I exited the crime scene. Apps that don't work as designed and cracked screens are the order of the day that cause constant headaches. Sometimes insurance covers the problems, sometimes it doesn't. Now back to the shopping cart. No other invention has caused us more moral dilemmas than this contraption because every time we use one it tests our morality. Confused? Think of it like this, they are indispensable when it comes to shopping for a weeks' worth of groceries. But how many times have you been torn between doing the right thing and parking it back in the cart stall where it belongs or just leaving it to the whims of the Oklahoma wind and denting your neighbors BMW? Or in the case of Oklahoma, F-150. The true meaning of doing the right thing falls under doing the stand-up thing when nobody is looking. As Okies we are always elated to find cash on the ground, but if you find someone's wallet with ID and cash in it, you MUST return it. It's part of the golden rule.

The second problem when it comes to the idea of saving time with appliances is how to justify the purchases. Last time I had ANOTHER washing machine bite the dust; cost was indeed a factor. I was sick of buying sub-par machines that would last me possibly five years and then were ready for the dump. It seemed the cheapest I was going to find one was about $500, but we all know how that would go. So, I bit the bullet and spent big money on the best washing machine on the market today. I woefully dropped $1,400! It hurts the back of my throat every time I say it, even now. I saw online testimonials where people were stating that they had Speed Queens that had lasted better than 25 years without a single break down. We all freely admit that having a washing machine makes life simpler than having to wash clothes by hand, but the question of the day becomes this, "once you are afforded that extra free time what do you do with it?" Singer Jim Croce once sang: If I could save time in a bottle, but could he? I think the answer to that question is no because he is no longer with us. It was not so many moons ago that my own grandparents on my dad's side considered air conditioning a luxury they could do without even though they could certainly afford it.

Even though we are part of the lot of spoiled Americans we are keenly aware of what real problems are. For instance, I have never had to carry potable drinking water on my head for ten miles over rough terrane. Drinking water in my house is always as close as the nearest tap. I have the luxury of going out and killing my own breakfast, but I don't have to. We can all buy eggs in little Styrofoam cartons at the grocery store, they are all neat, orderly, and clean, but doesn't it perturb us when we find a broken one? It was always par for the course when I found eggs with feathers stuck to them when I was gathering them myself, but my wife would certainly freak out at such a reality. This is a first world problem. Slow internet, bad haircuts, and not being able to find a parking space close to the front door are all first world problems. Have you ever seen this quote "slow internet is my generations Viet Nam?" Comments like this make me embarrassed to be an American yet it still tickles my funny bone because it is so ridiculous. This is an indicator of how weak and pathetic we have become as a society. This alone explains why people like Elon Musk decided to buy Twitter so he could essentially say anything he wants. I cannot relate to having that kind of green, but I understand the frustration with the PC crowd that would drive him to such lengths.

So, I leave you today with my top 25 list of our most frustrating first world problems:

25) Microwave pizza that burns the roof of your mouth when you refuse to give it the proper time to cool.

24) Wining about commercials just about the time you remembered you can fast forward through them.

23) Seeing it as rite of passage to always have the most up to date I-Phone.

22) Being fed free food at work and then complaining about what was provided.

21) Tennis shoes coming untied to the point where Hey Dude brand started making with laces that cannot be tied.

20) Complaining when Starbucks forgets to "froth" ANYTHING.

19) When the DVR refuses to work and you have to be in front of the television the moment your programming comes on, welcome back the 80's my friends.

18) Anyone who totally depends on their GPS because they have no clue which way is north.

17) You just had a bathroom type emergency hit you and there wasn't time to grab your phone, it's going to be a long fifteen minutes.

16) A recent posting I saw on "X" "I just spent a whole afternoon shopping, and I hate everything I got."

15) Two ply toilet tissue when compared to a Sears catalog.

14) Any bulldog wearing a sweater... just think about it.

13) As seen on "X" "it's really hard to type in French cuffs."

12) Listening to a tirade from any mother whose child is allergic to peanuts.

11) Seedless grapes and/or seedless watermelon.

10) Overheard at work "My Keurig stopped working, now I'm going to have to kill myself."

9) Overheard at Olive Garden, "I ate too many bread sticks and now I have no room for pasta."

8) Bitching because the corner gas station is out of 93 octanes.

7) An actual tweet from Kim K. "It's 2am, I just finished my spray tan session, and I am so exhausted."

6) I once worked for a man who was so spoiled he refused to spend cash that had ever been in circulation, being a germaphobe evidently has its downfalls.

5) I find it interesting that people who work in air conditioned and heated offices under fluorescent lights feel they are justified in taking a beach vacation.

4) It's perplexing that anyone who has managed not to die for another 365 days feels they deserve cake and ice cream in their honor.

3) My wife has a dozen pillows on her bed, but she only has ONE head. What are the other eleven for?

2) Ice cream cones that melt too fast in summer.

1) I own more clothes than I have hangers to hang them, sorry folks even I am sometimes guilty of absurdity. But at least I realize it.