I don't do well in crowds. Allow me to stipulate, when I say I don't do well in crowds that does not mean I'm crowd phobic, it only means I will avoid them, if at all possible, like the black plague. Crowds don't make me nervous, only irritable. In the simplest terms, if I have to throw an elbow in order to obtain a cart you can count me out. My dad would often say he would rather take an ass whipping than to visit a big box store on Saturday. I feel that pain and as long as crowds remains unruly I second it. I suppose the biggest problem with any retail crowd is they are all so singly minded that they tend to pay very little attention to others to the point that manners evade them like a rat on a Hot Pocket, why is that?
I must also say that if one can remove the fearsome crowd from the grocery store, I don't mind that trip at all. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I enjoy it. The grocery store is the one place where I am removed from the constraints of society. One of the reasons why most people are at their worst when they are shopping is because they have often begun to think of it as a chore instead of a luxury. It's the old tug-of-war between got to and get to. We live in the most blessed and food abundant country in the world, don't let that reality evade your American radar. If you do you could become the worst version of yourself, not to mention an ungrateful dirtbag. Dirtbag is a term that is simply not used enough these days; that and the word shitass. I dig those. We have all been so spoiled for so long sometimes we forget that our cups are perpetually full. Now that we have secured the parameters of the all-important and almighty big box store and what it means to be a shitass, allow me to teach you rank immatures how to steer clear of the crowds and avoid the impending assault with a deadly weapon charge. None of us want to end up emotionally exhausted and morally bankrupt.
First and foremost, if you are annoyed by the crowds one of the best things you can do is give yourself the illusion that you are simply not in a crowd. Try the earbud approach. Put on some of your favorite tunes and just chill out. I have even been known to do a few dance steps in the produce isle next to the tangerines. I'm telling you folks, there is no more freeing feeling than reaching your fifties and getting yourself the point (mentally) where you don't give one freaking wit about what others think of you. It's the equivalent to being released from death row. I find that one of the best artists to shop to is Bony James. Smooth jazz just makes everything better, or at least it gives the illusion that it's better. That may sound like a curious choice for an Oklahoma boy, but you have to trust me. Brooks and Dunn are for two-stepping, jazz is for shopping.
I also suggest that before you begin to shop you grab and pay for some snacks up front and have yourself a little grocery store picnic in the front of your basket. I see people sometimes just pick up items to eat and then just pay for them as they check out, but what if you get up to the checkout counter and your check card refuses to work, isn't that a bit like stealing? There is nothing more freeing than shopping with a clear conscience and a full stomach. Purposeful distractions will help pass the minutes and make the time you must spend in the store more enjoyable, and in addition keep you from overbuying. You should NEVER shop on an empty stomach, that's not just a guideline that's a rule. If you do that you may find your cart full of nothing but Moon Pies and Dr. Pepper.
As with any stores there are always isles you should purposely avoid if possible. If you can, steer clear of the following isles. Those include the baby food isle, the toy isle, and generally any isle set up to attract toddlers, which also includes (lest we forget) the pre-sugared cereal aisle. If I had a dollar for every time, I saw a rugrat pitch a fit over wanting a box of Froot Loops I could retire today. The reason you will want to avoid those aisles because they are full of parents I refer to as "counters." Unsure of what I mean? Parents who count are nearly as annoying as their wining brood because they always count to three. Why are they convinced that three is a magical number? Is it because it sounds Godly like the trinity? You know The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost. You have seen them, haven't you? I love to watch the looks on the kids' faces as if to say, "hey, you can count to a hundred if you want to because we all know that nothing is going to happen when you get to three." My grandparents never counted, usually by the time came I was fully aware that I had committed an immoral infraction the seat of my pants had already been warmed. Therin lies the difference between my generation and my son's.
Now for the parameters of how to dodge the crowds. Never, I repeat never under any circumstances are you allowed to take part in any Black Friday sales. If I had a Ten Commandments of the rules of retail this would be number one. Black Friday sales are set up for only two things, to cause you to hate your fellow man and possibly take part in what can only be described as an unfortunate retail incident, and to put retail giants' sales registers (in the words of AC/DC), back in black. You see, it's not an accident that they are called Black Friday sales. I know people who love those sales and like to brag about getting a Franklin knocked off a big screen television. Those people are like pathetic gamblers who always love to brag about how much money they dragged home from the casino but never tell you how much they spent to get them there. If you have to spend a thousand dollars in order to win a hundred, you are NOT ahead of the game. That's not my personal philosophy, it's basic math #101. I am as thrifty (probably even more so, as I have been known to squeak when I walk) than the next guy but if I am going to take my life in my hands, get the stuffing pulled out of my winter coat, and take a chance on chipping a tooth there better be a bigger pay off than that.
I challenge you also to pay particular attention to when there is a mass exodus in town. Those are the best times to hit the stores because everyone else is at the lake. Those would be times like Labor Day, Memorial Day, and The Fourth of July. Also sometimes referred to as the trinity. I'm as patriotic as the next guy but I don't have to have my old ass in a natural body of water just to Independance Day. It just stands to reason that once everyone else has cleared out you can now do your shopping in an unfettered style with a smile on your face and a song in your heart. In addition, at least here in Okie land during big football games the grocery stores look abandoned like downtown Fallujah. Just listen to the game through your phone on your ear buds, I love to kick it old school!
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