Sometimes I think I am doomed to see life from a different perspective. It wasn't so long ago I dined at a higher-end steak house in Tulsa, and it occurred to me that the idea of napkins has essentially been turned on its head. Allow me to explain. Every time I pick up a white starched napkin, I think about how much trouble it was to get it back into that condition after its last use. Does it ever occur to anyone other than me to wonder, who wiped their mouth on that thing last? How many times have we seen what (was) a beautiful piece of artwork that was folded into the shape of a swan rest semi-peacefully next to a cigarette butt stuck into a pile of mashed potatoes. It always makes me laugh when I think about the ridiculousness of bodily fluids. If I am in the hospital and spit up in a cup it is discarded forthwith, that is as it should be. But Brittany Spears can post her previously chewed gum on E-Bay and cash in on it. The world is backwards and upside down. Why is one person's saliva worth its weight in gold, but others not so much?
Please stand by while I digress and decompress. Now back to the napkins. Someone had to wash, bleach, starch, and iron that piece of cloth in order for it to be a useable piece of dining wear again. Because of the copious amounts of starch, they put in them they tend to never stay on your lap where grandma taught you, they should go (and I quote) "if you are a gentleman." Although, not unlike most other men I tend to spill on my shirt, not my pants, so how much sense does that make? Emily Post had no use for common sense, only poorly conceived traditions that were rooted in her own brand of twisted logic. And just as reminder, we could cut down on the starch, it's a napkin not a denim welding shirt. This all seems like a lot of trouble to go to just to ensure that people have a "high-end" way to wipe their mouths don't you think? Can you imagine how hard it must have been to get Avon lipstick off one of those things back in the 70's? It seems to me that the fast-food establishments of the world seem to have the best idea, put a paper napkin dispenser on the table, use only what you need, discard the used ones, and then call it a day. Every time I pick up a napkin with rolled silver wear in it the utensils slip out on the table and my salad fork invariably bounces and hits the floor. And while we are on the subject whose half-baked idea was it to put green shag carpet in a restaurant? Isn't that counter-productive? Whether you are serving waffles or Weiner Schnitzels something is bound to get stuck like baby crap on corduroy pants.
America specifically, was and is still full of bad ideas. Take for instance the Segway, nothing says I'd love to properly break in my new insurance card like a ride on one of those. This part-skateboard part medieval death device is a true test of your balance which means people like me should stay as far away from them as possible. Speaking of classically bad ideas, how about this blast from the past, New Coke? I often wonder if there are any executives left from that original pitch meeting to commiserate each other. I am no Rhodes Scholar, but I know a bad idea when I hear one, this would have been like putting Ringo out front in 1964 during the Ed Sullivan Show. The Coke executives essentially decided to pull an item from the shelves that tasted good, moved fairly well in most markets, was a veritable cash cow, and swapped it for a product that NOBODY wanted to drink. And I should remind you that the original formula had been a top seller for the better part 60 years up to that point. I think in this instance the saying, "if it aint broke don't fix it" applies. One of my uncles hit the nail right on the head when he said New Coke tasted like RC Cola someone had spit Copenhagen in. In a top 25 list of poor ideas where would you rate Agent Orange? So, you see, there is essentially no ending to poor ideas in this country. In celebration of our (sometimes twisted) way of life here is my top 20 list of our worst American ideas.
Hydrogenated Oils- Why not take good old scientific know how and use it to kill each other one fried pie at a time?
Zeppelins- Have you ever heard a tale about one of them that didn't fall out of the sky? Me neither.
Hair in a can- The truth is, if you are losing your hair, you might as well embrace the baldness. Otherwise, you are only deluding yourself. No amount of mock-hair, the purchase of a Porche, or fake affections from a blonde in her twenties who only wants to twist your wallet dry until it resembles a spent sponge can compensate for your loss of testosterone. Just handle the problem like a man with some sense and roll with it.
Changing the Fig Newton- This is not unlike substituting the original Jan on the Brady Bunch Comedy Hour. Because once a Newton is filled with something other than figs, it is no longer a Newton. I find it interesting that in either instance, they didn't think we would notice.
Red Dye #2- If a food product must be colored red in order to make it consumable maybe we should just bypass it altogether.
The Ford Pinto- If the gas tank becomes an inferno after a collision, it may be time to go back to the drawing board.
Betamax- Not unlike the invention of the pay phone this was both costly and totally unnecessary.
Tanning Beds- Sure, why not bake your skin like you were crossing a desert (naked) and on purpose no less. ** Writer's note: the number of times my mom asked me as a kid to move back from the TV were endless, the number of times she asked me to put on sunscreen NEVER! **
Stretch Armstrong- Did anyone besides me have one of these things as a kid. How many times of stretching it did it take for it to start oozing that strange gel out of an armpit?
Plastic Grocery Bags- I am by no stretch of the imagination an environmentalist but I hate these things, nonetheless. They do nothing but litter my beautiful Oklahoman landscapes.
Thigh Master- All men in the 80's tried to act like they were interested in this thing but that was just a cover for watching Suzanne Somers in spandex.
3D Movies- No matter how Hollywood packages these things they are always a letdown.
Dog Sweaters- Nothing says I am bored to death with my life like taking the time to put a mini- 3-piece suit on a bulldog.
Head On- How could anyone not know that this was a scam?
Sugar Substitutes- Although the quality of these products has come a long way since the 70's they still aren't fooling me.
Mc Rib- I will give Mickey D's props for the creation of the Big Mac. However, they should be required to send us all an embroidered apology letter for the Mc Rib as it is a vile sin against humanity, not to mention that it lies just on the cusp of what can only be considered culinary blasphemy. If there are no bones in it, it's NOT a rib.
Colorizing Gunsmoke and The Andy Griffith Show- Possibly two of the best shows to ever air on American television ruined by Hollywood executives wearing suits who had never seen a tumble weed in person.
Chocolate Covered Coffee Beans- I have only added this to the list because my wife recently bought me a package of them, and I cannot stop eating them. Essentially, they are just a laxative disguised as a snack and this won't end well. So, you see, something that seems like a good idea can sometimes backfire.
Obama Care- It was fine until the government got greedy and decided the way to cover those who were uninsured was to tax those that were employed. Evidently the number one way to awaken the silent majority is to crawl into their wallets. It's funny we all seem to know where the line is, but the Federal Government never does.
The Dodge blender door- Come on, have you ever known anyone who owned a Ram 1500 and theirs actually worked?
Comments