Being a man it simple yet complex. Perplexed? So am I! Allow me to try to restate that thusly, without prejudice, and extract to you the true meaning that lies beneath. Being a man is not perplexing, it's just that being a man in a woman's world can sometimes be taxing. We are simple creatures that don't give a second thought to tracking mud onto shag carpet, eating BBQ wings on a white couch without a napkin, or forgetting to wash our neck for weeks on end. Not so long ago I had a conversation with a friend at work who recently got his hand spanked for leaving asphalt laden fingerprints on his wife's new (white) kitchen paint job. He proceeded to let me know that were he a single man he could get by fine living in a one-bedroom shotgun shack with nothing but a television, one small fridge for beer, and a simple pallet on the floor for snoring purposes. Knowing him well, that is undoubtedly a true statement.
A woman cannot be satisfied with her life unless she has something to put frilly pillows on. You know what I do with them? Yep, that's right, they call them throw pillows for a reason. And it's a good thing I can throw them, it keeps me from taking a knife to them, because let's be honest, they make me angry. I cannot even tell you why, they just do. A few years back I made an outside porch bench for my mother in the shape of an arrowhead as she is a Kansas City Chiefs fan. After we found the perfect place for it on her back porch and wrestled it into position I went inside for a drink of water. I couldn't have been gone for more than five minutes and when I returned there were already throw pillows on the bench. What is with this pillow obsession? It seems to me to be a complete waste of time because every time you sit or lay down you first have to move them. And of course, if they end up on the floor you are going to be in hot water. In a man's world, if something is functional it makes no difference how it looks, we will keep it forever like luggage. In a woman's eyes any object must first be fabulous before it can ever be thought of as functional. I am surprised at this point that my wife hasn't tried to tie bows around my 4"metal angle grinder or put doilies under my battery charging station.
It wasn't so long ago that my mom came to stay with me for a month. I noted while she was here that she continually asked for clean washrags. Now, never in my life have I ever had the need for a washrag. If one carefully considers the parameters of washing one's own body, is it even necessary? It seems to me that is just an added and wasted step in a process that is already a pain. It seems to me that it is a waste of time to put soap on a washrag when one can simply apply the soap bar directly to our wet skin. Doesn't that have the same affect? Likely, the kind of grime I pick up at work just needs a little more industrial type rubbing but a washcloth is not made for scouring anyway. Don't misunderstand, I'm not applying a pumice stone to my neck, but asphalt is harder coming off the skin than women's makeup. My life (in my 50's) has become more about how I can eliminate steps, not adding more. I'm proud to say that in the past five years or so I have been able to turn my lifestyle from low maintenance to nearly maintenance free. There will be no frills in my administration!
Keep in mind that there are parameters set for those of us that are not dragging our knuckles when we discuss washing our nether regions. Miss manners never put them in print, but in her defense I'm sure she didn't think she needed to. Comedian Redd Foxx may not have said it first, but he certainly said it best, "You've got to wash your ass." This is a classic quote because it's direct, quick to the point, and it's funny to boot. Just remember, before anything can be comical it must first be true. So, the next question that comes down the pike is, once you chose to wash your ass, will that chore be done with or without a washrag? Trust me when I tell you when it comes to washing your crack the HOW is much less important than the WHEN. When it comes to washing our backsides, timing is everything. I'd say at least bi-daily should suffice unless you are drinking copious amounts of coffee. Then the secondary question is if you have two different washrags in the shower for two totally different jobs should they be labeled? Should one say face and the other say ass? How would one go about doing that, silkscreen or embroidery? I suppose that depends highly on your pay grade.
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