Dodging People

I usually like to write about quotable Americans like Abe Lincoln and Winston Churchill, but today I have chosen to quote myself. Here is my quote "the number one thing that helps us remember that we enjoy the absence of people is the presence of people. Don't get me wrong, to some extent I love most folks. But nothing will make you appreciate an empty house more than having a home full of ungrateful relatives over Thanksgiving weekend. Making three kinds of stuffing in order to appease the masses is unnecessary. I am not trying to advocate ditching human beings at every turn, but sometimes it is nice to have a little elbow room. In short, I'd rather take an ass whopping than to be required to throw an elbow to get a shopping cart at a big box store on a Saturday afternoon.

I often tell my wife that in order for me to miss her she must first go away, for some reason she takes offence to this line of thinking. I CAN and at times HAVE put up with 65,000 screaming fans in order to be in the mix of a great football game, but I will always contend that the best seat in the house is in my own home. The price of a beer and a dog in my own domain have not been jacked up higher than a cat's back and the restrooms are clean and never more than a few yards away. This has to be seen as a plus, I don't care who you are.

My number one tip for avoiding crowds is to NEVER opt for a haircut on the weekend before school starts. In addition, trying to avoid people comes in handy if put my expertise to use on holiday weekends. And this past weekend which was Labor Day weekend was no exception. You have to figure out how to work the crowds to your advantage like an old horse cuter working an agile steer. We don't experience the kind of bottle necking problems here in Okie land that they do in places like LA and New York, but it still takes planning to have success when trying to negotiate life. When it comes time to take care of your to-do list it makes sense to give some forethought to what the masses will be doing ahead of time. I never attempt to do errands of any kind on a Friday afternoon of a long weekend; people will literally run you over trying to get out of town to the lake. Your chances of being in a vehicle accident are three-fold higher than on a regular day. AND you want to make sure those yahoos all get out of town safely because that is your golden ticket to being able to shop and run errands unincumbered. I lovingly refer to this as elbow room.

I have had more than one person describe to me that living in LA County feels a beehive and that sounds like an overrated experience to me. People who are returning to the city from weekend recreation will usually wait until the last minute to fill their tanks with gas on Sunday nights, so if you do this before 10AM Sunday or early Tuesday morning you should be fine. Not only are they out of pocket but are (in addition) usually hung over and you can use this to your advantage by cracking early to knock out your to-do list.

Eating out on a holiday weekend can be tricky at best, but if you follow my guidelines, you should be finer than a frog hair split four ways. Most of your favorite eating places will be packed on a Saturday night of a regular weekend but the parking lots that have been cleared of the masses on holidays means that your steak will usually be cooked right and your service should be better than average. Don't get me wrong, I love to grill my own, but have you seen the size of the mosquitoes this year? It's daunting. I saw one last night that could wear a saddle and would no doubt buck.

Now, back to location, location, location. Most people who frequent the lake over a long weekend will spend their weekends eating burgers, dogs, and beer over the weekend, and sleeping in the heat in sleeping bags (which perplexes the hell out of me). We (as a people) have spent the past 2,000 years trying to perfect the art of living inside with indoor plumbing, air conditioning, and comfortable beds, why would we want to spend our recreational time doing just the opposite? Now, keep in mind that since these folks have filled their bellies with things over the weekend like Smores they are going to want to stay as far away from fast-food as possible. So, stay away from places like YING YANGS TAKEE OUTEE after 2pm on Sundays unless you want to get mobbed.

The moral of the story is for you to program your brain to operate just the opposite of the weekend worriers. Try it sometime and let me know how it works out. Just don't spread the message too far or they will start stacking up again.