Gentleman, we have all heard our wives use the term "ugly cry." It's not the first time nor will it be the last time a woman will use an exclusively female term that none of we male types are privy to. What exactly does the term ugly cry mean? It's probably crying that involves a box of Kleenex, a quivering chin, and mascara that runs all the way to your neck. So, what all would be involved in a "pretty cry?" The last time I saw my wife cry like that was during the movie Pretty Woman. Because fellas, we all know women don't want to be in love, they want to be in MOVIE love. This is the kind of romance where men never have dirt under their nails, are never gassy, and always have minty fresh breath. These types of leading men never have a bad day and always take a hard pass on putting onions on their burgers.
Another obsession women have that leave we men scratching our heads is something called "sleeping pretty." I suppose my question for you today is what women needs a bed with a silk tent over it after the age of 25? It seems all woman (regardless of age, creed, or national origin) sleep with their nightgowns and sheets perfectly pressed with the idea of prince charming coming to their rescue. Walt Disney evidently twisted the world view of all young girls at some point. Even if old Charming is impressed by her attire, he likely won't find her more appealing when he sees eye boogers and drool on her pillow. What difference will pristine sheets make if you have done the alligator death roll, and the sheets are now wrapped around your neck like a hangman's noose? I don't know if any of you are aware of it but the only real use for a pillow is to catch drool. They have always been marketed as a way for us to sleep in a healthier position for our backs but that's just bunk. It is really just a way to trap and hold saliva, which is why the Food and Drug administration tells us we should buy a new one every year or so.
At one time I was under the impression that sleeping pretty was a new phenomenon for woman until I watched an episode of The Andy Griffith Show where Aunt Bee wants something called a bed jacket so badly; she cries over it. Now, this transpired clear back in the early sixties! I have NEVER wanted ANYTHING so badly I resorted to crying over it, but women seem to think this helps the situation. In her case I suppose it did because Andy swapped his favorite fishing pole for it. What in the HOLY HE double hockey sticks is a bed jacket anyway? I assume this is just another frilly, girly term woman have come up with to further mess with the male mind. Wikipedia says it is nothing more than a short, lightweight jacket to be worn while setting up in bed. So, that means it is just one more way to look pretty between the sheets. This is just one more way female have confounded we male types like when they shop for high heels and cocktail dresses while wearing nothing more than ratty old sweats and beat up high tops.
Some of the other burning questions are as follows: why is it my wife can never seem to have enough pairs of black slacks or shoes? Why is it that any restaurant that is not a well-known chain get branded by my wife as "risky?" I also cannot get my head around the fact that every time she says she is going to (and I quote) "clean out her car" does all said trash end up in a plastic garbage sack in the garage and by default becomes MY problem? Why does my wife love to go to other people's neighborhood garage sales, buy their crap, bring it home to rest peacefully in our garage with OUR crap? From there it too will just draw more dust. Too bad dust isn't a commodity that can be sold on the open market like crude oil. Why is makeup so expensive when most of it is derived from biproducts like cow hooves and fish scales? Why are women so willing to pay big money for things like lingerie when it spends most of its time balled up on the bedroom floor. What exactly is Victorias Secret? Lacy bras work like they pitch for a farm team but get paid like a short stop for the Yankees. Why would women rather cry during a movie as opposed to laughing? Why won't my wife just allow me to solve her problems as opposed to us having to commiserate over them? Wouldn't it be easier just to fix the problem? I will attest to this fact; it certainly is less taxing!
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