My wife and I can no longer sleep in the same bed. It's not because we are trying to maintain a G-rating in the house like Lucy & Ricky. That has always confounded me, did some Hollywood higher up just decide one day that it would be humanly impossible to procreate with one foot flat on the floor? They have obviously never been a teenage boy, no matter what the position is, they will figure out how to make the transaction. Don't get me wrong, we still love each other dearly, it's just that we cannot stand each other's snoring. My wife inherited her snoring skills from her daddy who is the ultimate professional. He could peel paint from the walls with his brand of sawing logs. In sleeping terms, my wife and I may have just become the first couple who could stand toe to toe with the decibels of a fighter jet. And because we can longer cohabitate under the same sheets, she often chastises my sleeping methods.
She never misses the opportunity to remind me what a complete misfit I am because I refuse to use a dust ruffle. I stand before you today in this moment only to remind you that those are only good for one thing... to get dusty. Which essentially proves nothing except for the fact that they are aptly named, but that is the ONLY thing good about them. This means that at some point you will have to take it off and wash it. Let's be real and call that what it is, an exercise in futility and a total waste of valuable time. Once you dust you might as well make an appointment to do it again because it is a never-ending battle and a thankless task. After civilization has tried to off each other from the face of the planet with bombs and guns there will only be three things left, cockroaches, Cher, and dust. Women like to say that the reason they use a dust ruffle is to make the bedroom more presentable once the bed is made. That is an untrue statement, and all women know it. The only purpose it serves is to hide all of the crap that is being stored under the bed that your wife refuses to part with. Most men realize this fact, but few have the guts to say anything about it. Let's just chalk it up to preserving domestic tranquility. I'll be glad to remind you that calling anything as you see it isn't a crime because I am your in-house truth detector.
Then came the moment when my wife took me to task over the almighty and all-important pillow. Most of you are fully aware of how I feel about those things so having said that it was a given that it was an argument waiting to happen. My wife sleeps with two or three under her head, one between her feet, two between her thighs, one under her butt cheeks, and a couple more for hugging just for shits and giggles. Did I miss any? Now here was her question to me: "why do you have only ONE pillow on your bed? The answer I gave in as manlike style as I could muster was "because I only have one head?" And I formed my retort in the form of a question instead of a statement so that she too could ruminate on it and hear how absurd it sounded. She did not! She only wanted to continue to keep metaphorically beating on me to no avail. I have said this before, but it bears repeating, I am sure God is very pleased with the fact that he made men and women so different, but I am not laughing. Our approaches to nearly everything in life is totally opposite. We don't even watch television the same. Men can flick through all 120 stations in less than a minute while women will pause briefly on each station just to see if the program is something they interested in. In essence, this means that women NEST and men HUNT. That is not just another sexist remark made against the females of the world. It's just a fact, and a painful one at that. It's just another friendly reminder that I don't make the rules, I just abide them like you do, so don't shoot the messenger.
Much to my chagrin the pillow conversation continued. She then began to tell me about all the cool features it had like she was trying to sell me a sports car. It's a PILLOW, how many features could it actually have? Does it come with cup holders and blue tooth as well? At one point while my eyes rolled to the back of my skull with disinterest and boredom, she began to tell me that the shell of said pillow was made of bamboo. Bamboo?! Since when does bamboo equal comfort? I thought that was the sturdy stuff they used to make life rafts out of to escape hurricanes in places like Cambodia, but what the hell do I know.
Even though we found little common ground on the subject the topic still peaked my attention enough for me to take the time to read some online reviews. I figured it was almost a lock that I would find something absurd, and you fine people know I cannot resist that. Here is the first one I read: "I am a super picky sleeper, a bit like Goldilocks. I cannot sleep if my pillows are too high, too soft, too noisy, or too square. I have bought a myriad of pillows that were advertised as side sleeper pillows only to toss the side and end up sleeping with nothing." Okay, here is my question, what constitutes a NOISY pillow? This poor deluded creature goes on for better than three paragraphs saying essentially the same thing over and over again. This leads me to the question of the day, "are these same people really the offspring of our forefathers?" Hardy stock this woman is NOT! A dime and a donut say she has never taken soiled laundry down to the creek and rubbed them against a flat rock until they no longer smelled like roadkill. I'd bet my best skill saw that there were nights when general George Washington had only a smelly saddle blanket to lay his head on. Since I was already online at the time I went ahead and googled this question: "what does it mean when a person sleeps with a lot of pillows?" The answer was as follows and it is as deluded as you might believe: "sleeping with multiple pillows might indicate that one has a phobia about possibly not having enough pillows available to them in the future." I think that says it all doesn't it? Encapsulated within that is the definition to American bred and grown ridiculousness. If it is on the internet, it MUST be true right? The defense rests your honor.
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