Soak it in Kerosene

When I was a but a wee lad, I found out quickly that when we were at grandma's house just casually breezing into the ER was not an option. We were about eighteen miles from town so if it didn't require a major number of stitches, we were likely just going to rub some dirt on it and just move on. The problem however is that we cousins were so actively getting hurt that sometimes granny would have been what I call "country creative." For instance, after stepping on a sixteen-penny nail that quickly went all the way through the top of my boot my aunt Hazel decided the best course of action was to soak it in kerosene. Who knew?!

Even at a young age I had my doubts about this course of action but, the minute we started soaking it stopped bleeding, I never got ill, I never got a tetanus shot (God forbid), and it didn't even leave a scar. And looking back on it I do realize just how resilient the human body really is, Hazel's house was not exactly the picture of cleanliness either. She smoked to the point that there was always a foggy haze in the living room like you were visiting the Dew Drop Inn. And she had a little chihuahua named Midge who lived to crap on anything that wasn't nailed down. Doesn't really sound like the cleanliness of your standard emergency room, does it? Just remember, if you never exercise your resistance to germs, one will eventually kill you. It's probably advisable to lick the floor at a Quicktrip bathroom now and then just to keep your defenses up. The reason most kids are so sickly these days is because they spend most of their time indoors under artificial lighting trying to negotiate the latest video game. Make those kids get outside and roll in some ragweed, it will be good for their soul.

My grandma's go to remedy for nearly everything (besides the almighty laxative) was bacon fat. There is something called blood poisoning in the human system that happens when white blood cells try to attack an infection. Medical professionals call those toxic striations, grandma called them red streaks (God love her) and to her way of thinking bacon fat was a miracle cure. Although, if that didn't work sometimes, she would have to break out the big guns and she would mix up a concoction of lard, chimney soot, and Bisquick. I have even seen the old gal use a white 70's style, Brady Bunch (white) belt as a truncate. Which, let's be honest unless it's to hang yourself, what else would you use it for? When it came to fashion that was a pretty ugly decade. Sideburns should never look like headphones. Yet I digress and coalesce. Did you know a live chicken can be drawn and quartered and used as a poultice to treat a rattle snake bite? It's true, although I don't recommend you try that at home unless you are a seasoned professional.

I had a cousin that had some sort of strange foot odor problem that smelled a lot like a block of blue cheese that had gone rouge. Grandma rubbed them down daily with vodka and it seemed to go away. Did you know that cuticle infections can be cured with white vinegar and rosemary? Or if it doesn't cure them, you can at the very least make it savory. One can treat cold sores with herbal tea if they are so inclined. And after all the medications and fretting all of these years over eczema it has come to light that it can be cured (and quickly) with olive oil. Don't give all your hard-earned money to the pharmaceutical company's folks just yet. Probably what you need isn't even in your medicine cabinet, it may just be in your kitchen cabinets or even the fridge.

One time while a passel of my cousins and I were taking turns getting inside of an old tractor tire and rolling each other off the top of the chicken house (ill advised) one of them cut their arm on a piece of rusty corrugated roofing steel. Imagine that! Never temp fate my friends, fate will always win that game. Her mom cleaned off the blood with a bit of saliva and then proceeded to rub Mentholatum on it. Grandma quickly scolded her however and said that the right course of action would have been to use Campho Phenique. According to grandma that stuff was good for anything that ales you, including being late to file your taxes.

When a young man grows up in Oklahoma, he is taught to never be without three things, his peace maker, a lasso, and a roll of duct tape. Duct tape is good for a whole plethora of things, (but that is an individual blog all in itself). It seems first and foremost you can cover warts with them, and it will generally make them a distant memory. In this way they are a bit like your mother-in-law, if they can't breathe, they can't live. That's a joke people!! If you fine people continue to hang with me, I will teach you volumes about how to treat the untreatable. I can show you how to tempt fate like a pro, and how to "ten" the untenable.