When I was a kid on occasion my mom would make me eat liver. I have but one burning question stated simply, thusly, and without prejudice, WHY? Of course, her go to answer was always "oh but son it's so good for you." She said other things I found perplexing as well like "it builds healthy blood vessels." Well, don't blueberry Pop Tarts do that as well? I know she thought she was being sneaky when she served liver with Mac & Cheese, evidently, she thought the cheesy goodness would offset the recoil the liver caused. That's a bit like crunching up an aspirin with a bit of sugar in the hopes that your kids won't notice the pill is bitter. Trust me, they are on to your game. Isn't it interesting that even as an adult we would rather be served a product that starts out as a powder and slides out of a package, colored with #12 yellow food coloring than to eat a natural occurring product? Being served liver as a kid was as close as mom ever got to child abuse. Adults usually get away with serving things like trail mix at Christmas parties, but that's only because they are usually full of green and red M&M's. When that happens, they only thing left in the bowl are raisins because some jackass always rummages around in there and fishes out the good stuff. So, do adults continue to choke down things that are good for them like raisins and peanuts just so they can justify their chocolate consumption? Trail mix is a strange American mixture. I'd bet money that trail mix was discovered when some parent found what was left under their kid's car seat. Isn't it funny how raisins in a bowl of steaming oatmeal on a cold morning are like pure gold, but when they are lying next to chocolate in a snack bowl, they quickly become the bastardized stepchild.
I always thought that anything slathered (my favorite culinary term) with Ranch Dressing could be made palatable but somehow that doesn't apply to liver. Wouldn't I have been just as healthy as a kid if I had just bit the heads off of some Flintstone's Vitamins? I would usually set at the living room table as a kid and spit partially chewed pieces of liver into my napkin and then just feed them to my dog. It should be noted for posterity that if my dog had gotten a crack at a slice of bacon, he too would have thrown his nose up at the prospect of liver. Even dogs know the difference between food that is barely palatable and protein that qualifies as culinary bliss. And just for the record, there will never be a time when mom is ALWAYS looking. I made a solemn vow to myself years ago that I would never attempt to force feed my son liver simply because it is considered healthy. How healthy could it be if the result of eating it makes you dry heave? I forgive mom simply because she was only doing what she thought was right for me, but it may just be the one thing I need a bit of psychotherapy to repair.
Kale is 2023's equivalent to my aversion to liver. Why would anyone eat something that looked like it was fished out of a farm pond? These days kale seems to be everywhere and in everything. Here are just few food items that the health conscience types have tried to slide kale into when we weren't looking. Salads, chips, paired with nuts, put into soups, served with green beans, smoothies, formed into a tortilla for burritos, and (as if they are fooling anyone) formed into the shape of a hamburger patty. I generally feel about kale the same way I feel about non-gender specific bathrooms, if we have not needed them thus far, why start that madness now? All I ask in this life is that you keep in mind the speed limit and stay in your own lane, if you do you won't hear a peep out of me. Forming kale into a "hamburger patty" should be considered the 8th deadly sin. Beef is not kale, and kale is not beef, what is so hard to understand about such a radical concept? In that same vein, tofu is not steak, and contrary to popular belief milk cannot be extracted from almonds. When was the last time you saw a tit on an almond? What makes anyone think milk is worth drinking without lactose? Have you ever just let your interest get the better of you and slid a piece of kale into your pie hole? I'd advise against that! It's a bit like ingesting lawn clippings minus the joy.
Not so long ago while in the produce section of the local market someone told me that "if you are not wild about zucchini try wrapping it in bacon and grilling it." I am not even sure if the deliciousness of salty cured meat could help me choke down zucchini, but if it did wouldn't that kill the nutritional benefits? That would be like taking a syringe of insulin and chasing it with a Krispy Kreme Donut. I have asked this question before with no answer but if you eat Little Debbie Oatmeal Pies and chase them with a Diet Coke will they simply cancel each other out? What about Ding Dongs and skim milk? It's essentially the same principle, isn't it? Not so long ago a person on my family tree (who shall remain nameless) in fear of retaliation from the likes of Betty Crocker was seen grating zucchini into a lasagna. There is always a family member who tries their best to ten the untenable. I had a stepsister who was caught licking the tops of all the cupcakes, putting them back, and giving grandma the finger at my fifth birthday party. Grandma on my dad's side was a very serious woman when it came to manners, if you tried to reach past her to grab the dinner rolls without asking you could come away with a stump of what was formally your hand. That same stepsister deliberately ignored grandmas rule to only take one piece of fried chicken at a time and was escorted away from the table by her earlobe. She also happens to be the same kid who shoved a peanut butter sandwich in the VCR and tried to shave my dog, but that is a whole other blog entry.
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