Here is something I have noticed, certain things in life are continually updated that don't need to be, but other things deeply in need of change never are. Take for instance your phone, if you go buy a new one today by the time you make it home it will be outdated. The younger crowd will disagree with me but that is NOT necessary. Just about the time I've figured out how it works they change it. Now on to the things sorely in need of change. Does anyone but me find the inside lip on a paint can cumbersome? It should be made to pour paint easily, not harbor it. Wouldn't it be genius if they made paint cans more like a milk jug with an extendable pourable spout? Because the truth is it's not a question of if you will spill it but when. Another item that seems to be going through a constant metamorphosis that does not need it are weed eater heads. This one has a continuous line of round plastic string and that one has individual strands made of "Space Aged" materials. Whatever in the hell that means! That sales term has been used for so long it has essentially lost all meaning. Has anyone but me ever noticed that a salesman MUST be untruthful in order to feed his family? Last spring, I replaced all of those tired old items and simply replaced them with a stainless-steel cup brush designed to go on the end of my electric metal grinder. Blacksmith ingenuity is sometimes hard to beat. The truth is whichever way you decide to go with the problem everything is preferable to pulling weeds by hand which is why we put up with that ever-changing madness to begin with.
I heard it said not so long that the younger generation by-and-large doesn't know how to use a can opener. A can opener is an ever-changing enigma wrapped in a riddle. I assume the reason they change so often is done in the name of safety. I also assume my generation never bothered to pass along such a skill simply because the jagged cans can often make for a one-way trip to the emergency room. In addition to being your in-house realist I am also your all-encompassing fact checker, and I can report that the year 2021 the number of people injured attempting to cut a bagel in half were double of those visits that included heart attacks and strokes combined. In addition (weirdly), twice as many people were accidently impaled by toothpicks than were attacked by grizzly bears. That fact has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but I thought you might get a kick out of it anyway. It is strangely interesting but ultimately humorous in a twisted way, and I dig that.
Now back to the point. First, they had the can openers soldiers carried in WWII, then the space age (there is that term again) type that makes the lip not such a cutting hazard. The next item that constantly seems to be changing and often causes me to make up new top-shelf swear words is the gas cans. Remember when they were made of metal, would last forever, and you could essentially leave them to your great grandkids in your will? Remember when they had a vented flexible top that all of us could easily negotiate? Now you must have an engineering degree from MIT just open the top. They have messed with these things for so long in the name of safety they are now barely operable. If I slop a little on the garage floor while I am pouring isn't that just the American way? For instance, when was the last time you caught yourself taking a pair of vice grips to a bottle of baby aspirin? For me the answer to that question is, yesterday. Not only are they child proof they are also essentially adult proof as well.
Speaking of things that need an upgrade, it was not so long ago when I went in for a medical procedure and found myself wearing one of those weird backward hospital gowns. They weirdly tie in the back and because of that very fact they are nearly impossible to negotiate by yourself. Your wife nearly always has to help you tie the gown and this alone is her snickering payback for all the times you tracked mud on the living room carpet. The hospital gown as it stands (at least in my lifetime) has never seen an upgrade. To begin with, no man should ever be required to wear anything called a gown, who am I anyway Liberace? What about making the ties long enough to be able to tie them in the front? What about making the ties Velcro so there are not any unfortunate mishaps with nurses half your age? Of course, I am not in ownership of anything she has never seen before, but that's not the point. How about just putting enough foresight into it so that your ass doesn't hang out the back? I assume they are made that way to keep us from changing our mind about the impending procedure and trying to escape the hospital at the eleventh hour. No human being is more likely to get cold feet and want to bolt than a man, trust me I know my kind well. The problem is, if you take most of those procedures out of a hospital and put them in a hotel room, they quickly become a felony. And no man relishes the thought of having a garden hose shoved up his keister, even if it is done in the name of good health.
And allow me to ask this question of the day. If they are doing a procedure on your skull, why is it important to remove your underwear? If you can come up with a viable answer to that question, contact me at BR549.
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