Forget The Band Aide

With all of the new-found technology that is out there now it seems silly to put a bandage on something we could actually fix. Surely, we have reached the point where fixing a heart with blockage has become as simple as just taking an aspirin. I always aspired to invent something I like to call the "ZAP APP" where a device in your phone could simply be laid next to your heart and shock it back into rhythm, although my digital learning disability has slowed that progress. I am no conspiracy theorist, but I imagined (for years) there has been a proto-type car that runs on tap water. I'd bet a dime and a donut that Bill Clinton even took it for a spin to Monica's apartment. I find it cumbersome that every time I need to read the fine print I have to reach for my glasses. But the bigger question is why can I read that same fine print two feet away from my nose without any help? This begs the question, if it takes a lifetime for a set of eyes to go bad how they can be fixed in an hour. I assume this explains the accordion method of reading I saw grandpa do when I was a kid. This is evidently the good Lord's way of reminding us that he is in charge. Okay NOTED kind sir!

Instead of lying a cold hard medical table every other year starting in our fifties routing a garden hose up our keister, why not just invent a med that would make our intestines like the pure driven snow? Wouldn't it be great if there was such a thing as medical Teflon? I don't know about you, but I'd pay big money to once again be able to pile a bowl of chili high with jalapenos without having to keep in mind what I refer to lovingly as the three-day-rule. That's where three days after you partake of something spicy on the top end your bottom end pays the price. There was a time in my teens when I could have eaten rocks, chased them with paint thinner, and would have been finer than a frog hair split four ways.

Now I have to be careful about ingesting things like too much fresh squeezed lemonade. I am in the midst of striking a deal with the Food and Drug Administration to develop a label that will be aimed towards people in their 50's. It's a label to tip us off to any ingestible item that is more acidic that cow's milk that asks, "WILL THIS BE WORTH THE PAIN?"

Maybe someone like these large pharmaceutical companies that have as much cash as OPEC could develop a pill that could get rid of any human organ that is not truly necessary like tonsils and wisdom teeth before they begin to give us trouble. The pill could be taken, and the body would just pass the unnecessary organ like yesterday's news. I have no clue what the male prostrate is for but just about the only time I hear them talked about is when they have either developed cancer or are being removed. I work with a driver at work who (when he is peeing) it sounds a lot like Morris Code. Something tells me these two things are related. It takes this man longer to do his business than to remove unwanted hair from a Kardashian sister. In three ways aging is a lot like puberty: #1) you don't understand it, #2) you don't have time for it, and #3) anytime anyone asks you about it you feel somewhat awkward. One of our drivers has waited until a bit later in life to marry (in his 60's) and his betrothed is a Registered Nurse. He told one of his fellow drivers she was going to offer him a discount at the local surgical supply store and asked his pal if he needed anything. The driver answered with "I'll feel around, see, and get back to you.

Many people these days tend to rely on what I refer to as "JUNK SCIENCE" instead of leaning on things that really work. Never lose sight of the fact that any food product that has been touted by the Food and Drug Administration (as healthy) on Monday will surely be tied to cancer by Friday. Subjects like coffee and chocolate are forever up and down. I mean come on guys; pork fat is a thing of beauty. Sadly, my Achilles heel is donuts. Donuts are the most dangerous of all junk foods because they are full of white flour (which you know is the devil). They are covered with a sinful amount of sugar, and to top it off they are deep fat fried. If there is one in our house I will seek it out, find it, and eat it! But I should remind you that none of us are getting out of here alive. Maybe we should instead examine the diet and daily habits of people with real longevity like Clint Eastwood, Betty White, and Keith Richards? I mean come on, while Marlboro Blacks, strong coffee, and black tar heroin may not exactly scream healthy lifestyle, at least they are low in fat.