Even back in the day people seemed to come to me with their problems. I should have done like Lucy in the Peanuts comic strip and set up a booth where I could charge them a dollar for good advice. Yea, yea I know Lucy only charged a nickel, but good advice should be worth more than that. What exactly can you get for a nickel these days? You know how the price of living affects everything; and often we get what we pay for. I have never been a big believer in pop-psychology, that is to say I have never understood how paying a total stranger copious amount of cash and watching them sleepily nod and ask "how did that make you feel" would help people solve their problems. I have never understood why people come to me with their woes, maybe it's because I was born with two tongues and the gift of gab? Grandpa always told me I could talk the ears off an armadillo. Advice from a peer can be a blessing and a curse. And even sub-par advice can sound quality if our ears can barely keep up. Dispensing advice has always come fairly easy to me, it's when it comes time for me to take my own good advice is where I tend to fall off the wagon and break a hip.
Once on the Vo-tech bus in high school one of my female friends shared with me her boyfriend woes. You might be surprised just how much time there is to kill on a bus in western Oklahoma. Scenery is not exactly a thing out there, if there is a tree in your front yard it is because you planted it. Allow me to say up front I don't even think high school aged kids should be allowed to have romantic relationships. Their ever-changing and ever-growing brains can barely negotiate the parameters of secondary algebra let alone the tricky eccentricities of romantic love. It seems the boyfriend told her that he refused to discuss with her things that were problematic about their relationship. I told her she was either taking him to task over things that didn't matter, or she may have just overlooked the fact that he might not give a rip. I mean why take the time to argue with someone when you just don't care enough to do so. Fussing requires both care and energy in which it was obvious to me he had neither. I imagined his version of romance was anything that would separate her from her underwear.
It was around that time that I started thinking I should have my own advice column in the traditions of Ann Landers and Dear Amy. I remember Ann from my childhood giving sound and hard-nosed advice about everything from pissed off mothers-in-law to mud on the living room carpet. Her younger counterpart "Amy" is fairly politically correct which I cannot abide. I am not saying you cannot get your point across and be polite at the same time, but it certainly is tougher. Check out for yourself in the next paragraph the most recent "Dear Amy" question:
Dear Amy,
"I am a forty-five-year-old divorced woman who has recently started dating again. The first man I dated had no media presence so that was easy. However, the man I am currently dating is into the idea of dating multiple women at one time including me and I am fine with that. But as I scroll through his social media page, he is constantly posting things about these other women, and I find that unsettling. What are the rules and the social protocol and how can I better protect myself? Signed, socially confused." I won't even bother you with the answer she received from Amy as it isn't worth your time OR your dime. She spent a lot of time massaging this woman's twisted ego and very little time talking about the real problem at hand. But I'd love to tell you how I would answer her letter.
Dear Socially confused,
I wholeheartedly agree that you ARE confused. Now clean the wax from your ears and listen up as I think I can help you with your problem. My first piece of advice is you should decidedly get over yourself. Forgive my blatant candor but I don't think I can help you with your problem until we remove the facade of socially ladened BS from your eyelids so you can see more clearly. I am sure you have heard the term "rose colored glasses" this is the opposite of that. This "man" you say you are dating (and I use the term man loosely) no matter what age he is, is in fact NOT dating you at all. He is simply playing you for a fool and taking a ride on what is left of your self-respect. It is likely he is only interested in any course of action that will get you naked and then hope you go home before he starts to snore. However, he is only one part of the problem. You too are adding to the madness because in your own words you have no idea what you want. In one sentence you claim you are fine with him dating multiple women including yourself but in the very next sentence you call the situation "unsettling." So, which is it? You may not know this, but you cannot have it both ways. Like most problems in our lives your consternation is home grown. There are still parameters in place that tell us what we are allowed to get away with romantically and socially, they are called manners. You might want to take a step back and think about what you really want. Or maybe you should consider going back to dating the man you were dating before you latched onto the man-child with the seventh-grade attitude you have now. In short you should save the drama for your mama.
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