Projects

There is nothing more humbling than being up to your eyeballs in a home project only to realize you are in over your head. Well... maybe there is. Like the time I started a home type chore, pitched a fit about it because it frustrated me (mainly because it required a soft touch which I didn't have); then my poor wife came behind me and finished it. I have hands the size of cast iron skillets and I am about as subtle as mad bull in a China shop. I have to give her props though because she never rubbed my nose in it, but she certainly could have. The truth is she probably just read the instructions which most men find cumbersome, time consuming, and not necessary. There is a reason why I have a bumper sticker stuck to my toolbox that says, "real men don't read the instructions." When I figure out what that reason is I'll get back to you. When a man has been trained to mold steel for a living like I have, he starts to feel invincible. I can assure you; I am not. It's the same idea that weightlifting doesn't necessarily translate to NFL type skills, one must also be agile.

On the other hand, there is no better feeling than a home project that has been well done that goes off without a hitch. There is a fine line however between being good at it and simply THINKING you are good at it. All of my tools should have the Looney Tunes trademark ACME printed on the side of them. Every time I crawl up on the roof in my mind, I hear that high pitched whistle and splat sound that poor old Wiley E Coyote makes when he falls off a cliff. To say that my wife and I often disagree on home projects is like saying Hillary and Bill spatted on the day the Lewinsky scandal went public. The problem essentially comes down to perception. The problem goes all the way back to the cave man days. Back then wives wanted their mastodon meat well done, but they also didn't want any blood spilled on the cave floor. If you disbelieve my premise, just ask Fred Flintstone. That seems like a lot to ask, doesn't it? It seems to me that if there is just enough blood on the plate to turn my mashed potatoes pink that's my business.

This puts me in mind of an episode of Home Improvement where the husband soups up the dishwasher (after his wife explicitly asked him not to) only to have a fork explode out of the back and stick in the sheetrock like a projectile. This is essentially the man versus woman story that has been going on since the beginning of time. Men want things to run well, be sturdy, and dependable. Women only care if they are pretty. The only thing that feels worse than getting our hands slapped by our wives is to find out that all along she was right. The one thing Adam and Eve would have agreed on is that the snake would have made a danged fine-looking pair of boots.

Often times when a man has a trade such as I do they think will be good at all other trades simply by default, this is sadly not the case. There is something that feels powerful about being able to mold steel with your bare hands and just a bit of fire and it's a huge ego booster. Once steel is tacked together, it's square, level, and plumb it's not going anywhere. This sadly does not apply to products like wood, that is until it is secured. Something as benign as a gentle rain can make green wood begin to look like a dog's hind leg. If you disbelieve my premise, you need only see my first attempt at building a tool shed, after two days of being in the rain the framework looked like Otis Cambell had been working on it during one of his Saturday night benders. I could have sworn when I built the frame it was square, and it probably was.

When I began to try my second attempt I built it in the garage out of the weather. Just make sure you take into account what the height is so it can easily be pulled out of there as make its move to the back yard. When it came time to move it into place, I used the Amish way of placing round wooden dowls under it so it would move as if on wheels. Then I jacked each end up with a tire jack individually so it would rest on cinder blocks instead of the ground as not to cause the foundation to rot prematurely. You can save a lot of money by bypassing a traditional concrete foundation. I invite you to try it.

There are three levels of fixit guys. The first one does lots of projects and he gets five stars every time he completes one; we all hate that guy. Doesn't he know that people are flawed and that the world is an imperfect place? This is the same guy who is born and dies with a six pack he never had to do sit ups to get. The second guy is the one who stands over the top of you swilling beer, telling you everything you are doing wrong. Although he doesn't really know how to do it either, otherwise he would be at home tending to his own chores instead of letting his wife farm them out. That leaves the number three guy (me). We just muddle through the problems and do the best we can. But mostly we just cross our fingers a lot and pray that we don't break anything important. It's interesting that my wife likes to berate me verbally anytime I pay to have a project done because the cost is usually too high. But she also can't wait to let me know when it looks wonky when I have begrudgingly taken it under my wing. Her daddy is one of those cats that in his heyday he could do it all. Sadly, I am not that guy.