Breaking in Shoes

Last Sunday on the way out of the church parking lot I helped a young woman to her car after she broke a heel. She had fallen, seriously twisted her ankle and it was already turning three shades of purple by the time I got to her. When I use the term "heel" I am not talking about one of those sensible one-inch types, I am speaking of the kind that raise you up high enough where the air feels thinner. This sort of female foot abuse has always evaded my good sense, and I could see (she too) was having the same thought. Sensing she might be in too much pain to drive herself home I offered her a ride, but she politely declined. Hoping she would be okay I made a last-ditch effort and offered to get her an ambulance, but she again declined. I wished her the best and the last thing she said to me in her tear-filled rage was "I'm just going to go home and cut up pictures of men." Now, obviously there is a bigger story afoot here but since I was neither her husband nor her shrink, I decided not to delve any further with the conversation.

As the past week has gone by, her words have caused me to ponder because for some reason they stuck with me. Did she just have a nasty breakup or divorce? Did her father abandon her as a child? The conclusion I couldn't seem to shake was that she was blaming my gender because she was teetering around on a pair of stilts covered with black suede. Was that my fault? Certainly not. But it could possibly be the fault of my gender as a whole as we have sewn into the female DNA that they (as a gender) should be desirable AT ALL TIMES. This is not only not fair but also an unrealistic expectation. Glossy magazines with air brushed models at grocery store checkout counters also don't help matters, but interestingly those are produced and pushed mainly by other women. Bizarre huh?

Understand, I still felt somewhat sorry for her situation but blaming male-kind for her fashion accident was nothing short of bizarre. Then it occurred to me that maybe high heels are the reason why ALL women are mad at the world. They are not feeling fussy about the smoker at work who refuses to stay in the smoke hole, the complexities of menopause, or even running out of cold cuts while packing their lunches. As men, we are only privy to the inner struggle of women that they tell us about, all the rest must be discovered like we are private detectives trying to uncover the whereabouts of a serial killer. As men, we speak about 7,000 words per day, women speak more like 20,000. These are not just numbers I just pulled out of thin air, these are facts put forth by the Pew Research Organization. But it tells a bigger story, it means that women are thinkers and forever trying to figure out the unknows of the world, let alone the complexities of the male sexual prowess. Men on the other hand just roll with everything. This means we are either very resilient or just a little stupid. I suppose it could be a bit of both.

When it comes to men and leather we are known to deal with our problems in a somewhat more realistic manner. When I was growing up, I worked for an old welder who every time he bought a new pair of work boots, he would rub them down with mink oil, fill them with water, and then place them in the freezer until the ice had a chance to expand and stretch the leather. Then he would pull them out, place them up-side-down on a fence post for about three days to dry in the sun. He claimed this would eliminate the breaking in period completely. While the theory sounds plausible (but a little unhinged) I cannot say with any certainty if it works as I have never tried it. My friends, this is the approach we should have to ALL shoes. Think of it a bit like purchasing a new set of Michelin tires for your F-150, only in this instance it's to keep the soles of your feet off the hot pavement in the summer. This is where the term "where the rubber meets the road" comes into play for real.

If my memory serves me correctly it was 1985 when Cybil Shepard broke all the rules of the red carpet in Hollywood and wore a pair of orange Reebock's and a black cocktail dress to the Oscars. She may have very well been the first woman to break those rules before or since, but one thing is certain, she was the only one there that night with any level of comfort. I don't really see what the problem is, orange goes with black, what about Halloween? How many times have you seen a woman carrying an uncomfortable pair of shoes at the end of a long wedding day. Shoes that make a woman's feet look sexy will never be comfortable, if it could be done, I would have already done so and retired early. This may have been the idea in mind when someone came up with the idea of gluing fake bling on flip flops.

I have always said the most satisfying part of life is when we begin to care NOT what others think. It's very freeing! My granny often said, "I wear an 8, but a 9 feels so good I usually buy 10's." Women (absurdly) will often try anything in the name of fashion regardless of how painful it might be. Women will scour, pluck, tuck, die, and wax anything on their bodies they or their husbands consider unsightly. However, if they ever see anything scurrying through the house, they will no doubt jump up on a chair and squeal like a toddler. This is known affectionately as absurdity. I don't have the heart to tell my wife that mice can climb, and spiders can jump so I'll just let her be surprised.

In 19th century China women's feet were often bound as a status symbol which permanently changed of their foot size and configuration. Is this a wise idea? Not likely. But sometimes when you peel an onion you get a lot of layers. Who the hell knows why the Chinese do what they do. An ER doctor recently told me he sees more summertime accidents in his practice from people wearing sandals than any other type of summer shoe wear. And remember when they only came in three colors and could be had for under $5? That is now past tense! Now days women regard them as high fashion but will also pay through the nose to get them. Encapsulated in that last sentence is everything that is WRONG and RIGHT with America. In our nation, we continue to buy things that are bad for our foot health but are seen as a new fashion idea rules the day. This is the part where I could also say "who knows why Americans do what they do." But no doubt capitalism is driving it. Evidently, we still own the rights to absurdity, not to mention occasionally stupidity.