Have you ever heard the saying "an ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure?" Not only is it humorous but it's also true. On the sitcom Seinfeld, George Costanza famously dates a pretentious woman. She is so much so that she calls his door man Sam (not Sammy) but "Samuel" with emphasis on the letter U and refers to paper mache as "papia machae." You will swear I am just making this up for humorous effect, but I too dated a woman whose nose was so high in the air she would have drowned if it sprinkled. But I must stipulate that we only went out once. I then proceeded to leave skid marks in her driveway. While we were out on our first and only date, she ordered a cappuccino and then proceeded to whip out an instant read thermometer to ensure it was a perfect 65-degree Celsius. Was it really necessary for her to up the ante and evoke the metric system as well? If she was going to be ridiculous the least, she could do is keep it American. At that point I quickly excused myself to the restroom so I could send a "save me from this lunatic" text to a friend for help.
My old pal gladly placed that "emergency" phone call to me, after all he owed me a favor. It wasn't more than a week before that I dug him out of a jam after a woman, he was dating slashed all four of his tires. So, I did what any good friend would do, and I rolled into a dicey part of Tulsa @2:00AM and saved his tail. Sometimes men date so badly we have to have a code with our buddies just in case our butts have to be pulled out of the fire. The reason men date so badly is because they are often not thinking past the end of their nose. In fact, as far as most men look into the future is only about two seconds past their next orgasm. That may sound unnecessarily crude hypothesis but try to refute it. There is no substitute for the truth my friends, even if it stings a little. Women with their heads screwed on straight want a man who is practical and never kicks the dog. Men are just looking for a great set of gams, see what I mean, no forethought whatsoever.
So, now that I have given you some insight into the male mindset let's get back to the bad date. I practically hurt myself trying to get the check paid and releasing myself of her, well for lack of a better word we will use the word, company. Fast forward many moons and I am proud to admit that I have married a woman that is as good as gold. If I just stoke her hair and tell her I love her once a day all is well with the world. Every man should have it as easy as I do. She is wired more like a man than any other woman I have ever known. In which she doesn't realize that that is not only a compliment, but it's the ultimate compliment. The boys at the shop have warned me more than once that any woman who is that chill could possibly be a dude. But we have been married for the better part of seventeen years so if there were anything questionable about her plumbing I'd know by now. Wouldn't I?
People are not the only ones that often take themselves too seriously, some business do that as well. Another place that takes themselves far too seriously is Whole Foods. Comedian Jeff Gaffigan refers to it as (and I quote) "like a refugee camp for those with too much money." Jeff has once again hit the nail right on the head and seen people and organizations for exactly what they are in all of their glorious and flawed glory. I think he single-handedly kept the Hot-Pocket people from going bankrupt. I am a lover of grocery stores both great and small. It's probably the small-town boy in me but I have never really outgrown my love of the Piggly Wiggly. Never dismiss the great simplicity of partaking in a fist full of bologna, a hunk of Velveeta, and a cream soda for dinner. Sure, it's just on the cusp as what is defined as white trash, but I have never been the type to give a rip what anyone thinks. I find it pretty tough to shop in a place that sells cucumber water, and the patrons are known to carrying yoga mats over their shoulders. Whatever happened to the time when a man working until sundown was all the exercise he would ever need? As a people we have moved the needle somewhat but not nearly far enough. Sometimes it pays handsomely to just revert back to the basics.
Of course, universally there is no other business that is generally more stuck up than Starbucks. They cannot even find enough love in their cold corporate heart to use standard cup sizes. Other successful food chains have found success with those for years. You know of which I speak, small, medium, and large. Sizes are not complicated, nor should they be. Starbucks sizes are as follows: Demi (3oz), Short (8oz), Tall (12oz), Granda (20oz), and something called Trenta is (31oz). If you were to partake of their extra strong 31oz you might just spend the rest of your days on the pot. Is Starbucks deliberately trying to confuse us? If their strange sizes and weird sounding products are not enough to convince you stay away maybe their customers will. One day before I realized what a corporate scam it was my curiosity got the best of me and I stopped in to see just what all the hubbub was about. This is what the guy in front of me with the professional manicure, hair full of mouse, and was wearing an Armani suit ordered (and I know because I committed it to memory): a venti caramel crunch cappuccino with two extra pumps of caramel sauce, bananas, whipped cream, extra ice, honey blend, caramel drizzle, and just a lite dusting of cinnamon. That's not a coffee, that's a sugar laden confection that would dilate your pupils, put you into a sugar coma, and could possibly have the same effects as the street drug ecstasy. The only thing that could be missing is a side of insulin and the possibility an early grave. Let's just say with tongue planted firmly in cheek, it doesn't sound like my cup of tea. Sorry about the dad joke, I promise it won't happen again.
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