There seems to be a lot of confusion these days about what makes a quality restaurant. As a man who has never managed a restaurant but has seen it done poorly for years, I'll tell you that the conditions of the restrooms mean everything. If there is a posting on the stall next to you that starts out with, "for a good time call" written in Sharpie you don't want to eat there. Any eating establishment worth its salt should be able to afford a ten dollar can of touchup paint? The tidiness of a restroom and the quality of the food may sound worlds away from the food, but I can assure they are not. Here is my point, who cares if they have white starched napkins, plastic steak markers, and Heinz 57 on the table. If employees are so wrapped up playing with their Instagram page, they cannot find time to put TP in the restrooms nothing else really matters. And just so we are clear a QUALITY steak NEVER needs steak sauce, only a dash of salt and pepper. My wife would argue this point with me, but she would be wrong... and in this case she is. Anyone who would put steak sauce on a steak just doesn't enjoy the taste of red meat. The truth hurts but we are bound to live with it.
Not so long ago I was in a fast-food joint, and I watched a young man "sweep" the floor. I used the word sweep in the last sentence loosely because I am uncertain that was what he was doing. Mostly he was just moving what appeared to be dust and French fry debris from the tile to a carpeted area. What exactly was the point of such a futile exercise!? That is like stopping halfway through sex. Isn't that a bit like baiting a hook but never dropping it in the water or like filling out a deposit slip but never endorsing the back of the check? In other words, it's a task that is only partially complete. Besides, he was much more interested in the condition of his hair, I know because I saw him check it in a mirror while I was there at least five times. But his hair looked fabulous like Rock Hudson's in Pillow Talk. And I use the word fabulous with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. This is to say that I like Judy Garland, but I don't L-O-V-E her. But it all ended well, his hair stayed in place, and I got my burger. So, all is still well with the world. It looks like I side-stepped that first world problem land mine once again.
I find steak houses especially problematic because restaurants and cutting steaks are something I am familiar with. Let's displace a misnomer right off, I DO NOT TRUST the reverse sear. I am not saying it won't work, I'm just saying that meat is too expensive these days to leave it to chance. In case you are unaware of which I speak allow me to clear it up for you. I learned from granny years ago that once a steak hits either a cast iron skillet or a grill it needs to be screaming hot, and as soon as it hits you need to hear a big sizzle. This exercise sears the juices inside the steak and that is where you want them, otherwise you could end up with a piece of meat that resembles shoe leather. If you want to make a sauce to go with your steak, it's best to use a skillet. Those nice brown caramelized bits on the bottom of the skillet that most people waste is called fond, and it is a crime against both humanity and granny to waste them. I always wince when a steak house employee commits culinary blasphemy and asks me to (and I quote) "cut into my steak to see if it is cooked to my liking." I can tell just by poking it if it is cooked right, if it doesn't bawl at me, I don't want it. It needs to feel just like the part of your palm between your index finger and your thumb without making a fist. Don't they know the juices have to redistribute before you can cut into it? Otherwise, all the moisture with the meat ends up running out onto your plate. It seems to me these people should know more, after all they are working at a steak house. People should take more pride in their craft. Searing a piece of red meat might sound mundane, but hey that steer gave his life just so you could lick your chops, so have some respect.
Now, let's cuss and discuss the first course. Why do these people insist on putting ranch dressing on my salad that came out of a bottle? Just in case you didn't know, the pre-made type does not have a buttermilk and mayonnaise base, it starts with soybean oil. The from scratch type is worth eating but the soy-based stuff is a desecration. I have nothing particular stuck in my craw against soybeans but in this instance the tastes are worlds apart. This is like trying to pass off Country Crock as real butter. Just remember, one is a real food product and the other is a chemical produced in a factory and laden with dehydrogenated vegetable oil, chemicals, and food coloring. Ants won't even eat margarine, if you doubt my premise try it some time. There seems to be a lot of "disinformation" (a word stolen from capitol hill) about makes a steak house worth its salt. A tradition that seemed to start years ago is hanging a long horn steer over the top of the bar. And all the furnishings are covered in a burgundy-colored velour, that is until it starts to peel. While I am sure this creates a "steak-like" ambiance it in NO WAY helps the quality of the food. In the fancier places you will see rows of red wine bottles that nobody can afford, and the proof is that they are usually covered in dust. Dad was right, dust adds value to antiques. In addition, most people who chose to consume alcohol with red meat usually opt for a beer. This is how you separate the city folk from the country folk.
While most steak houses can get the temp on their steaks at least close burgers seem to further perplex them. Every time I request to have a little pink left in my buffalo burger the waiter looks at me like I'm a visitor from another planet. They always shake their head yes, write it down, and then when it arrives it has been cooked grey on the inside, charred on the outside, and resembles a hockey puck. Is a medium burger request that difficult? Just let the sucker bleed on my mashed potatoes, I don't mind. I know they have that note on the menu that says something to the effect of "the surgeon general has deemed that consuming undercooked meat can cause food born illnesses." It's MY LIFE, why do you care if I drop dead at the table of trichinosis? We all know if that happens the only thing the manager is going to do is dial 911. He isn't trained in life saving, his last job was managing Carl's Junior! Hang in folks, it has to get better because it cannot possibly get worse.
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