As you fine people know I am always on the hunt for a news story that are begging to be made fun of. And this past week I found just the story I have been looking for. Not so far from me in a little town called Depew Oklahoma there is a nudist park called Oak Lake Trails. On the sign just outside the park it says, "Naturalist Park"- hiking, camping, pool, and spa. This can only mean one thing, nudist are nearly as bored as the rest of us, maybe even more so. I find it mildly interesting and positively entertaining that people who seem to be so enthralled by their own nakedness feel the need to fill the hours with various and sometimes mindless activities. So, let me make sure I have this right, there is no thrill in simply changing a flat tire or doing your taxes in your birthday suit? One would think that being naked alone would be enough to fill the void in their strange lives, wouldn't they? Follow this train of thought for a moment, being naked in public is like asking a woman out for "coffee." In this instance the term coffee is being used as a noun and a verb depending on the man's intent. In other words, you might be asking her out for one of two reasons, to get to know her better, or possibly in an attempt to separate her from her skivvies. And depending on just how open she is to being in the buff neither activity can be considered nefarious, however it does detract from the real purpose. No matter how a man might try, he will never know what makes a woman tick just by assessing that she wears a D cup. It's a good thing that what men are really thinking is not just hanging over our heads in a balloon like the cartoon Dagwood, if that ever happened, we would all probably end up in jail. I often hear adult people in serious relationships talk about (and I quote) "spicing things up." My thought is if you have to swing from a chandelier while wearing nipple clamps and edible underwear you might not be living up to your fullest potential from a sexual standpoint. In short, if your sex life is boring you, you probably aren't doing it right. I have watched the sexual revolution over the years and I am sad to say nobody won.
Aren't there certain activities where being naked could be a negative? I don't really think I want to be naked while swinging a golf club, that might give a whole new meaning to the term playing through. Although, just for the sake of candor and argument you would likely have the grip. Just make sure you stay away from the tee box. It is a sure bet that anytime in life naked people need to be entertained they have certainly reached the moment in their lives when they have begrudgingly hit their 50's and nothing on their bodies is still pointing up. Frankly speaking, it should be unlawful to unveil those parts in a public place. But any of you out there that are pissed off about having to wear clothes in public, don't be angry with me, Adam and Eve screwed up that dream for all of us years ago. I don't make the rules, I just follow them like the rest of the masses. That just makes me an observer at your feet. My first wife had a proclivity for being naked. I rather enjoyed that until one day I watched her try to open a stuck lid on a container of laundry soap. Heaving and wrenching while naked is not nearly as sexy as it sounds. I should also add that once you see it, it cannot be unseen.
This blog reminds me of a joke I heard back in the 80's where an old woman called 911 and reported that her younger and beefy neighbor was exposing himself to her. When a local cop made his way over to take her complaint while speaking of the gentleman she kept pointing towards his house and the cop couldn't see into the other man's house at all. She then pointed to at a step ladder and told him that he could clearly see into the neighbor's house while standing on that stool. She was then admitted to the ER, treated for a crook in her neck, and begrudgingly, but laughingly released on her own recognizance. It seems the human condition never changes no matter how old we get.
Now, back to the nakedness. Within this news story was a short video where they were interviewing the visitors of Oak Lake Trails which was entertaining but also bordering on preposterous. The interview included a pixeled out who-who that no doubt looked like an old catcher's mitt, and went something like this: "mam, what do you like about visiting Oaklake Trails?" Her answer: "it's just so freeing, you know when we are forced to live in a textile world we cannot wait to come home, shed our clothes, and feel just wonderful." I'm sorry, that's the hippiest, dippiest, free love, flash me the peace sign, pass the bong, let's listen to some Grateful Dead load of crap I have ever heard in my life. In this (at times) liberal Mecca we call America, I will acknowledge her right to air out her private parts in public. But it is also my job to remind you with zest, vigor, and without malice that it is still my right to turn my head and run like my hair is on fire. Are we square?!
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