Have you ever noticed that when it comes to advice dad's and grandpas often develop a reputation of spreading around what we Okies refer as bull? Often that reputation is well earned. Some claim you cannot be injured by flying bull but that's up for debate. Grandpa once told me, "Young man, it's not how deep you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm." Now, in my defense, we WERE fishing at the time, and I was only SIX years old. Most of the advice the old man gave me for life applications was curious. It was comical and just dirty enough you couldn't repeat in Sunday school or even public school for that matter. Being fed information that was highly questionable at that age was fun, but risky. And nobody knew just when you might repeat them at that tender young age, much to the chagrin of your Bible toting mother. Let's just say that grandpa's mouth sat just north of PG-13. Luckily, I too have an appreciation of cutting through the crap of life and getting to the crux of the problem. I suppose it is sewn into my DNA and with any luck the good Lord will put a lock on my lips if I ever have grandkids of my own. Nobody wants to be notorious for the corruption of toddlers... except of course for grandpa.
Mom and granny were considered the more caring, nurturing, and fairer sex so they often got a pass for being deliberately provocative. But should they? We can't give mom a pass on everything just because she headed up the 2AM feeding and diaper changes. Even those thankless chores have a shelf life. Although I do have to give mom a few more points because I was born with a gigantic head and shoulders like a linebacker. And on top of that she delivered me on Christmas Eve and my brother on the 4th of July so that alone is worth ten more tough points. In my defense I always tried to remember to thank her for the accommodation. The celebration of my birthday wasn't so much about me as it was about her resilience. What a trooper!
I remember mom setting me down on picture day, plastering my head with a whole can of Aqua Net in hopes it would hold my hair down long enough to get a decent school picture, it never worked. A cowlick is the hair equivalent to an ant who can lift six hundred times their body weight. Too bad we cannot figure out to harness that strength for good instead of evil. And I always had to laugh at those days we were running late for church and mom would clean the "schmutz" from the corner of mouth with her thumb and a bit of spittle. Likely it was left over blueberry Poptart filling. Mom was obviously convinced that her way was better than a wet wash rag, or even a Brillo pad dabbed with Comet. Have you ever seen those videos of mother monkeys preening their babies from pests? This is the human equivalent. Forget breast feeding, there is no way better to bond with mom than a little saliva on your face. I once asked grandpa if great-grandma breast fed him and his answer was, "no, she said she just wanted to be friends." See what I mean!
Granny's advice too was comical but along with it came the sting of reality. Once I heard he tell a friend of the family, "you can never shake the harlot tree hard enough for a cherub to fall out." Ouch, talk about the truth coming home to roost. Of course, this was the same woman who was convinced the reason Liberace never got married was because he was (and I quote) "always on the road." Yea grandma, that's why. Grandma had a unique way of piecing together her newly found Christianity and her Kansas-grown sensibility into a quilt we all enjoyed sleeping under. There is nothing as entertaining as a woman who was raised in a man's world, who might say something off-color at any moment. I once heard granny say they were doing a Bible study at the church over the book of Deuteronomy, but the preacher (Ruby Clum) was having second thoughts because all the "thou shalt nots" were wreaking havoc on bingo night. Yep, you heard me right, grandma had a female preacher. It seems all those south-central Pentecostal women were way ahead of their time, and they didn't even know it. I thank the good Lord I have surrounded by colorful people in my life, otherwise I would have a huge case of writer's block.
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