Like most of us I have a love/hate relationship with junk food. Those posers you see out jogging on Saturday mornings and drinking those hippy-type green smoothies that are laden with peat moss and sea kelp claim they don't eat junk food and rarely even think about it are just covering their tracks. If their diets were without a wrinkle there would be no reason for them to jog. Sometimes a human being just needs a Twinkie even though we know we shouldn't. Personally, I prefer Ding Dongs, but I am certain we all have our preferences. What makes these food-like items so craveable? Do they lace them with crack? I grew up with a fellow whose go-to snack was Slim Jim's and Mt. Dew but that sounds a bit like a lethal cocktail to me. I worked with and old timer back in the 90's in a steel shop in Tulsa that told some nightmare stories about working at Bama Pie back in the 50's. Evidently there were times when the mixers full of dough would sometimes get off of center and dump huge portions of pie dough right on the floor. At this point they would simply be scooped back up with large shovels, put back in the mix, and restarted with little more thought. In the dough would be filled with savory items like hair, partially chewed gum, and cockroach droppings. With any luck the FDA is a little tighter on their restrictions now days. I used to live about three blocks from that place and when was just right out of the south it smelled like heaven. Little did I know at the time the horrors that were going on under that roof. I am just hoping that the governmental restrictions on mass food preparation are a little tighter these days. Just remember for future reference that what has been done cannot be undone and that which cannot get up cannot get out. It's an old Okie saying, if you have to ask what it means you cannot be one of us.
A story like that would likely ruin pecan pie for most folks, but I figure it is what it is. That saying tends to anger my brother as he too is a word smith like me. But it fits so many situations in life perfectly. The neighbor's dog just crapped in our yard again, it is what it is. The chicken hawks just killed another one of my hens, it is what it is. My mother-in-law's cheese just slid off her cracker, it is what it is. Yet I digress. At some point I am sure all of us have swallowed a fly on accident or ingested a spider in our sleep but alas we are all still walking around without Paul Bearers. Remember that portly bald guy that was on the Discovery Channel who ate things like crickets, grubs, and hissing cockroaches? I have a hard and fast rule that my food is not merely unconcise, I would prefer it to be dead. Eating bugs might be commonplace in places like Cambodia or the Congo but it won't fly in Tulsa County. I figure if Andrew Zimmern can do it so can I. Although I must admit I don't think I have ever been that hungry. Just remember, he uses the code word "earthy" to describe the flavors of anything that came out of the south end of something headed north. I just don't think Jesus or any of the twelve disciples would regard that as Nuvo cuisine. These days I think they would be called his "posse."
Nothing illustrates the classic American diet like over-processed "foods" AKA Hot Pockets. Comedian Jim Gaffigan has practically built his whole standup routine around the product and at some point, became their official spokesman. What he has done mostly is to point out the absurdity of the product and that is good fun for everyone. No other "food" I know of comes with its very own cardboard microwave sleeve in which to cook them in. I'm confused about the purpose of those, if it didn't have the sleeve would it refuse to cook? Is the sleeve magical or been blessed by a priest? It should also be pointed out in serious and in jest that said sleeves are lined with traces of aluminum and selenium... YUM!! Once the hot pocket has been heated it is usually still frozen on the inside and could melt carbon steel on the surface. How appetizing is that? We should all be given pause when we see ingredients in our foods like sodium phosphate, carrageenan, sodium nitrate, and soy lecithin. My rule of thumb is if you cannot pronounce it, you shouldn't eat it. The one thing I am sure of is these things were developed in a lab in a petri dish, not pulled out of the ground or plucked from a tree. While the jingle they developed to go along with the product is catchy the effects of eating them is much more sinister. According to the website (itsbadforyou.com) the long-term effect of consuming such garbage goes as follows: osteoporosis, kidney disease, heart disease, degenerative brain disorders, and most assuredly, cancer. These days everything cause cancer including bacon, chocolate, and procreation. If it feels good or taste great, it's going to kill you!
There are two ways we can live our lives. We can either methodically read labels (and who says those are totally accurate) or we can just eat what tastes good and spin the Roullet wheel of life. I'll remind you that none of us are getting out of here alive. The choice is all up to us and that alone makes it American at its core. The good old USA is riddled with choices and most of them are ill-advised. From playing with mercury to eating lead-based paint chips we are all bound to screw up eventually, if only by accident. Right at this very moment we are all being exposed to something as precious and benign as sunshine and laughter that will eventually kill us deader than a hammer. So, I say in all of my Okie glory, grab the portion of life that is left by the tail and seize the day. If a hand full of Oreos and a cold glass of milk after dinner is going to kill me than so be it, at least I will go with a smile on my face.
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