Generation Alpha

I assume it is widely known in most family circles (at least in the buckle of the Bible belt) that Jesus referred to himself three times in the book of Revelation as the Alpha and Omega. It's likely a lesser-known fact that the generation after generation Z is called the Alpha generation. For what reason I won't even venture a guess, but the name builds hype, and we should be prepared to be let down. If this type of rant makes me nothing more than a crusty codger who is so old he could fart dust, so be it. I'll wear that badge with unmitigated pride like it's a purple heart on Veterans Day.

The following true account should illustrate my point perfectly (the names have been changed to protect the innocent). Yesterday I visited my neighborhood Lowes store which I am known to do on Sundays. While on isle twelve I noticed someone's dog had taken a crap right where someone could slip in it, I'm too old to use the term doo doo. Being the ever-vigilant safety man, I asked myself a few questions while assessing the situation. The number one question was this, WHY do we as a society feel it's necessary to take our dogs with us EVERWHERE we go?! Remember back in the 70's when this practice was frowned upon and considered unsanitary? Whatever happened to that mind set? As Americans, are we so riddled with canine guilt we can let Fido just cool his paws at home while we go out in the world for a couple of hours and take care of business? Evidently this new generation has spent too much time parked in front of the television being exposed to ASPCA commercials that are backed by those haunting Sarah McLachlan melodies? Trust me when I tell you that commercial knows when you are alone. And I have also noticed it often airs during the runs of sappy love stories like "The Notebook" so they can catch women in the middle of a crying jag with a box of Kleenex already in their lap. Give your pooch a milk bone, tell him he can spend some quality time licking his nether region, and let him hump the couch cushions until his heart is content. Surely the perks of staying at home far outweigh the benefits of sniffing cedar planks and hiking their legs on concrete parking bumpers.

Have we become such a bunch of sniveling crybabies that our critters even need to follow us to the head and supervise our wiping skills? Oh, that's right, I forgot that sniffing the back end is where dogs figure out who are their subordinates and who are their superiors. If aliens were dropped in the local dog park to watch humans pick up their pet's excrement with one of those strange "hand fitting" plastic bags, who do you think they would assume is in charge? It's a legitimate question that deserves some serious thought. I beg you not to dwell on it as you would likely go mad but consider it. These are the probing questions society has evidently stopped asking themselves, but we need to be.

Okay, now back to the subject at hand which was isle twelve. Before I left that isle, I mentioned it to a pimply faced teenager that was wearing a Lowes badge with his name on it, I didn't even look but it was probably Jordan or Aaron. I then went to isle thirteen just long enough to cut some 3/8" chain. When I returned to isle twelve, I found that the turd in question had NOT been picked up, the employee simply put a yellow caution cone next to it in hopes that someone else would deal with it in the appropriate manner. This is evidently number 1,642 why the next generation should NEVER be in charge of ANYTHING! This is also how adult responsibility often slides into the abyss. I mean, what do we expect, your poor kids were raised by in part by Millennials. Now comes my question of the day, wouldn't it just have been easier to clean it up the right way? I'd bet my left testicle it took him longer to locate the cone than it would have for him to seek out some Lysol and a paper towel and address the problem like a real man. I worked for an old welder in high school that said the following (and I quote): "sweeping a floor but refusing to make sure the dust ends up in the trash can is like stopping half-way through sex." Folks, he wasn't wrong then, and he's still not wrong today.

Being a part of Generation X, raised in part by the Greatest Generation and the Boomers we were allowed to play with bottle rockets and M-80's. We were allowed to have BB gun fights without wearing safety glasses. Our parents didn't just allow us to play outside until dark, they demanded it. That's how they were afforded the time to make our brothers and sisters. We in fact, had very little in the way of adult supervision. This just means that the stupidest of us were weeded out and only the strong survived. I am now (proudly) 57 years old, I assume this just means I made the cut. Should I be shocked that the younger generation would take the path of least resistance? Certainly not! But I am shocked just how idiotic it makes them look in the process. In the murky future if I find myself in a home in my 90's and I am in need of a diaper change faced with the same young man do you think he will just put a yellow cone next to my bed and hope someone else steps up? I hope I never have to find out.