Conveniences

As we travel through time we are blessed with one convenience after another. However, the word blessed can be a double-edged sword. We have been so busy developing new ways of making our lives easier over the past century we have barely taken a breath. It's possible that if we had put in as much hard work doing our chores instead of trying to find ways to get out of them, we wouldn't all be so fat. Speaking of conveniences, there is a cartoon from the fifties that always makes me laugh. It shows a car of the future set up with a compartment on the end just for the mother-in-law. Of course, this came out long before people started waiting to be offended. Back in the day nobody seemed to mind that Wiley E Coyote was falling off cliffs and Elmer Fudd was chasing Bugs through the forest with a shot gun. In short, people have become more sensitive than a runny saddle sore rubbed with rock salt. Just try to keep in mind that cartoons are purely fictional my friends, and I digress.

The invention of the eternal combustion engine started the revolution of convivences, this makes Henry Ford old scratch and Gabrial the arc angel all wrapped up in one neat little package. In 1908 the first Model Ts rolled off the assembly line and we have taken little time since then to look back. Their top speed was a breakneck 45mph. But it was at that moment that Americans fell in love with the idea of never getting off their dead asses ever again. Need a gallon of milk and the store is only three blocks away? Jump in the car! When it is sunny and seventy degrees and you find yourself six screws short on that all-important chicken house project, hop in the F-150 and roll down the windows. Understand that I am not only pointing the finger at you but also myself, why do you think I cited the chicken house project in the last sentence. In addition to feeding off of our innate laziness this also set us up in this country for everything to become (eventually) car related. Who remembers the first time you rolled up to A&W in your 83-rag top and ordered a frosty mug of root beer from the comfort of your car, oops I may have just revealed my age. While it was fun it may have also been setting us up for calorie loads of epic proportions. Putting calories in our bodies in the form of sugar laden syrup with no plans to purge those calories is an unsustainable proposition. Just like filling a gas tank, we will either have to burn it off or simply buy a bigger tank. And with the inventions of drive-thru dry cleaners, fast food restaurants, drive up banks and pharmacy's, it's little wonder we never get any exercise. If you are so inclined, you can even get married in your car (in Vegas) with optional Elvis and Pracilla costumes for the low price of $75. Why is it American's must make everything in life as cheesy as possible? In Saginaw Michigan there is even a mortuary service where you can view a friend from your car in case the idea of doing it on foot doesn't dazzle you. I'd love to tell you that I made that up just for artistic license, but I cannot. Some facts are just too good to be glossed over.

Often it is unclear to me, which is the bigger draw in America, using gadgets, or purchasing them. It's a well-known fact that Americans love to spend money on things they have absolutely no use for. At this very moment there is a pantry in my kitchen filled to the brim with the following gadgets: a rice steamer, a rotisserie oven, air corn popper, a waffle iron, and a snow cone maker. Most of these items are pulled out of the closet, dusted off, and used once per year if they are lucky. Otherwise, they just take up precious shelf space. The fact that I don't even eat rice is a sure indicator that I suffer from the same sickness you do. And let's be honest, corn that is air popped could not be more tasteless. We will just call these many examples exhibit A.

If we want to see a plethora of items with absolutely no redeeming value, we need look no further than our televisions. If you want a guarantee that a product will break the minute it is taken out of the package, buy something that says "as seen on TV" on the package. This may go a long way in explaining why it now requires a box knife to open the package of a box knife. I too have been duped on occasion by products advertised on television. What is it about a rendezvous with the late show and a bowl of cheese doodles that makes some of these crazy products start to make sense? Why is it necessary for a glue you intend to use to mend a broken teacup be able to lift a tractor. Remember that commercial? Is it necessary for a knife you intend to cut tomatoes with be able to saw through an old work boot? At one time they even advertised something called a "Potty Putter" which is nothing more than a mini golf green you can tote with you to the bathroom to practice your putting. Whatever happened to the good old days when we just grabbed the newspaper and our reading glasses? It seems that too has just gone digital, so when I figure out an alternative, I'll get back to you.