I often wonder if we are destined to carry more weight in the wintertime like a giant grizzly bear preparing to hibernate. Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part. There are times during the winter months where hibernation starts to sound pretty good to me. But the human psyche knows exactly when to add insult to injury. Once it gets cold enough to keep me from my daily walks my craving for carbs goes up ten-fold. For some strange reason in the wintertime, I often crave kettle corn, why is that? Every time I arrive at this place in my life I have this nasty flash-back of my old wrestling coach making me wear a trash bag, and the temp in the wrestling room being turned up on triple digits. He usually instructed me to run (and I quote) "until HE got tired." I assume this was his way of punishing me for having one too many Slim Jim's and Mt. Dews over the summer. I often look back on that chapter of my life and wonder how I allowed myself to take part in such madness. While I am sure the exercise was good for me, I also noted that it kept me off the streets for a while. It's also true that teenagers lack the ability to think for themselves. Once a young man has the realization that he will never be gifted enough to play at the pro level in any sport that sort of exercise madness usually disappears like a virgin on prom night.
Well, if it makes you feel any better there is a scientific reason for all of this wintertime weight gaining madness. In wintertime our serotonin levels drop, and it causes us to crave carbohydrates. This is to say that you are going to start craving honey buns, not broccoli. Too bad huh? Two separate hormones, ghrelin and leptin are solely responsible for appetite suppression and evidently, they take a powder between November and March. There now, don't you feel better? So, the next time your spouse gives you the evil eye because you are face down in a gallon of Vanilla Chunky Chocolate at midnight you can tell them Tony said, "it's your hormones fault." Besides, who wants to snuzzle up next to a skinny husband or wife in the colder months? That's like trying to get shade out of a tree that was planted just last spring.
Per some strange unwritten human law many of you will go out and seek out a gym membership the first of January only to forget all about it by Valentines Day. Trust me when I tell you that if you tend to all of the chores in your life properly you will never need cardio. These days, you couldn't find a parking spot next to a gym with a rocket launcher and a willful attitude. And nothing hurts as bad as realizing that the same person who tried to horn in on your place in line at the Stairmaster in January is the same A-hole who jumped in line in front of you at the donut shop in March. But we are not all crazy all of the time, sometimes it just takes us awhile before we sink back into our old ways. How do I know this will happen? Does that make me a fortune teller or a soothsayer? No, I am not. I have just lived in the real world long enough to how it works. There is a razor thin line between what we hope for our lives and what truly exists. Nothing hurts our wallets or our pride more than figuring out that in December we are still paying for that gym membership we start on New Years only to realize we only went once all year. Evidently New Years resolutions are only for those that don't mind lying to themselves. Pardon me while I consult my Funk & Wagnalls. According to that source, it says that the word resolution derived from the Latin word resolute which means to be purposeful, determined, and unwavering. I don't want to rain on your parade, but you might want to retrieve your slicker suit out of the hall closet just in case.
We would all like to kick ten pounds off our tail sections or mid-sections, depending on our gender. Wouldn't we? But let's face facts, it's easier to eat a sleeve of Oreos and a glass of cold milk than to do sit ups. Can I get an Amen? And we should all keep in mind that we are eating out in restaurants is setting us up for failure. Usually if a restaurant chain is unsure if a dish will sell, they just add a stick of butter and call it a day. I will remind you that the Chili's smokehouse combo has 2,470 calories and is clearly put on the menu as an entre for one person. Most people who are trying to watch their figures generally try staying under 2,000 per day. This could only mean one thing, your neighborhood pub and the funeral home down the street may just be in cahoots.
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