My old man used to tell me he would (and I quote) " I'd rather take an ass whipping than to shop at Wal-Mart on a Saturday." Now that I have arrived at that place in my life where everything annoys me, I understand his pain. I have stated on many occasions that we become our parents and I stand by that. I caught myself saying (audibly) the other day at a fast-food place, "the music is too loud." And I have trouble extracting any joy arriving at a retail outlet the night before, camping in a tent, and the following morning at 4am being smushed up against the glass like a bug on a windshield. And don't even get me started on the stores than want you to plunk down a Franklin just for the pleasure of shopping in their store. And we are not talking about just any kind of crowd, we are talking screaming girls like they are standing in line to watch the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show in 1964. You know, the kind of crowd where you couldn't even get one more soul in the place with the assistance of a shoehorn? Can someone explain to me WHY this is fun? It is the thrill of the chase or simply the high of getting a great deal. Does shopping produce endorphins like sky diving or bull riding and I am just not aware of it?
As a general rule I try to never shop under any circumstance that would require me to throw an elbow to get a cart. I have better things to do with my life than to put a little old lady in a headlock in order to get the last Tickle Me Elmo doll. I've seen the insane video footage, and I still cannot get my head around why anyone would go to such lengths to save fifty bucks on a big screen television. Personally, I'd rather shop at my leisure and pay full price. And I should remind you that I am an A1, died in the wool, certified by the state Oklahoma tight ass. To be clear there is a distinct squeaking sound that can be heard around the vicinity of my wallet when I walk. I'm so tight I make other people (including some baby boomers) seem well... loose.
It seems to me that people have gotten so caught up in the buying aspect of the holiday season they have forgotten to act Christ-like. Never lose sight of the fact that the prefix word for Christmas is Christ. This time of year, now more than any other time you are more likely to be flipped off in traffic by your fellow man. Seems to me that is backwards and upside down. At Christmas time the retail giants of the world seem to think they can snap their grubby little fingers and we will all come running to fill the void of their yearly financial pitfall. Never forget that's what black Friday is for. It's about worshipping at the altar of commercialism and pushing them from the red to the black. Many people think the 14th Amendment is our guarantee of happiness, but it's not. That only guarantees our right to the pursuit of happiness. So, if retail shopping is your idea of a good time pursue away. You won't ever see me there; I'm usually inspecting my eyelids for cracks at 4am.
What ever happened to that simpler time when we would have to rummage through our stocking past the whole pecans and oranges to get to that one lone cady bar that was usually smashed on the bottom? But even as a child I was keenly aware that a Cheri Mash made my blood sugar spike. Isn't it funny as a kid we would barter nearly anything to get a sugar fix like a meth addict trying to buy Sudafed at Walgreens when they are well past their allotment for the month. I'm sure most of us remember being bored out of our minds at Christmas opening things like tube socks wondering if there is something better over in the corner like a BB Gun or maybe even a puppy. I, of course realize now that I should have been thankful for the socks but especially as we age life is mostly about perception.
Old Saint Nick is still holding the reins, albeit only barely. The ghost of Christmas past haunts even the jolly old fat man himself. These days it is all he can do to keep his reindeer in check. Donner's kids need braces and Blitzen's children live on the ritzy side of Christmas town in a townhouse that is well above their means. These days the stress of the holiday's is taking a toll even on the jolly old man's waistline, last time I heard he was down to a 40" waist... poor old guy. Like everyone else Santa's spirit has been tainted by a society that is sorely in need of a kick in the Chiclets. Commercialism can never take the place of a pure Christmas spirit, or has it already?
Last year alone American's spent 10.6 billion dollars on Halloween. Yes, I said billion as in buffoon. Now that's just weird to me. When I was a kid Halloween was way down on the expense list. Our parents would usually pay about five dollars for a costume that was so cheaply made by the end of the night it would usually just fall off. And that single staple that held the rubber band in place on the mask usually wouldn't even make it until the first "trick or treat" was uttered. We NEVER got top shelf candy, only that generic stuff that came in the plain black or orange wrappers. Nobody really knew what those flavors were and frankly we were afraid to ask. Last time my son was still young enough to attend he came home with full sized Snickers bars, THAT'S UNHEARD OF! 10 billion dollars equates to a lot of Tootsie Rolls, and eventually to a lot of money going in the pockets of American dentists. Just clutch your wallets and try to enjoy it folks, after all it's just money.
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