I promised you fine people I'd try to stay as far away from politics as I could but there are just too many good stories that go along with being Bill, and they are neither necessarily liberal nor conservative in their humor or their slant. Bill Clinton is a misunderstood individual, and I should know because many of the men I grew up with are essentially him in theory. I am here neither to help or hinder the man, I am just here to relate the case study that is his life that has at times gone right, and other times totally off the tracks like an out-of-control locomotive with Vaseline smeared on the tracks. Often his motives are highly questionable simply because he is not thinking about long-term consequences, he only has in mind his next orgasmic episode. But ask yourself this question, can we really change who we are at our core forbearing some intensive therapy? And even after that you are never really fixed, you simply become a broken case study for other disturbed people to observe. Just think of yourself walking around with a giant Band-Aide on your skull. The best people who are broken can hope for is to emerge on the other side, merely bent. This begs the ongoing question, are we regulated to perpetuate our own demented cycles, or can we actually break them? Lackadaisical attempts at making New Year's resolutions a reality may come from the brain, but if one can stop smoking after twenty years, that comes from the depths of their soul. After all was said and done in Bill's administration, I felt sorry for the man. Now before those of you that lean slightly to the right judge me too harshly allow me to state my case for old William Jefferson.
One of my friends from work was raised in the same zip code around the same time and it's hard to believe we could think so differently considering we are essentially cut off the same branch of the same tree. We both however have been blessed with the gift of gab, that's how we are alike. Being long winded is our forte, and it's possible when God was passing out tongues, we both received two by accident. Just remember, it doesn't do any good to dump the whole load if only one cow shows up at feeding time. As a general rule I never put topics on the Thanksgiving table next to the stuffing like "changing genders" as it just tends to cause indigestion and mental irregularity. In short, it taints the taste of the cranberries. When we do go there, we have usually made at least one enemy by the time the pumpkin pie and the whipped cream hits the table. And let's be honest, it is a topic that will never be solved, and it generally just causes mom indigestion. So why bother?
Why don't I bring up politically charged subjects over holiday meals? The answer is that I am just mature enough to know better. Does my work friend sometimes frustrate and annoy me? Of course, he does, but he is no less my friend. And Bill Clinton is no different, I assume he too popped out of the womb predestined to be who he is at his (sometimes) rotten core. He is one of the most stellar politicians of our generation and a royal screw up all at the same time. Those two traits entwined my friends are a rare commodity, not to mention excellent fodder for comedy. In short, Bill's worst enemy is Bill. And he probably didn't do anything that any well-meaning president before him hadn't already done. His biggest sin may just be that he got caught. I mean, if you met a perky intern who thought the sun rose and set in your pants would you keep giving Hillary the old slap and tickle? That evil cackle alone is enough to make my little general refuse to salute.
Being president is not much different from being a rock star. There is essentially nowhere you can go that you are not known and (sometimes) adored. When a young man sings into a microphone and girls of all ages begin to swoon and throw their undies on the stage that is bound to twist a man's psyche into parts unknown. Just remember, when a man's hormones start to bounce and run amuck it's pretty tough for him to keep his head in check. And just for the record, there isn't enough blood in the male body to run both heads at the same time if the male in question is under the age of 25. Just try to keep a coyote out of the hen house once he has tasted fresh blood, it's the same scenario. I am not trying to be deliberately provocative... okay I lied, I AM. Anytime reality is twisted in a man's favor the end results will never be good and is essentially a recipe for disaster. I am not saying that men are justified in making female conquests, but until their hormones have had time to settle or they are rung in by just the right woman they will be drawn in that direction until their cheese finds its way slowly back on their cracker. Just remember, good, bad, or indifferent; no matter how you view it you can never deny that God made us this way. It not so much that we are all just horny to our core, God designed us this way for the continued procreation of our species.
Sometimes this vile behavior is put to bed by maturity. I am not asking for a pass for Bill. The man may have very well redefined the parameters of sexual deviancy on prime-time television, but he may have also done us a favor too. He still left the question on the table "is oral sex actually sex?" My answer is anything that causes you to change your Fruit of the Looms is sex. Bill single-handedly changed the days of when moms and dads of the 50's only talked about "relations" with the bedroom door shut. Just remember that in the movie "The Clumps" grandma famously said that Bob Barker was the only white man that ever made her moist. So, you see there is a razor thin line between hiding the truth and what we usually call Too Much Information or TMI. Do you truly think that boys were better off when they were buying condoms at the Conoco and taking sexual advice from their gym teacher? All I am saying is the problems have always existed, but now they were front and center, and reality has made those topics easier to talk about. And if the older generation cannot share their mistakes with the younger one, we are all doomed to repeat them. Even I am not so old school to believe that hiding our heads in the sand is better than putting our cards on the table. Easier, YES, more cost effective, NO. After Bill famously said "I never had sexual relations with that woman, Monica Lewinsky he essentially made the phrase "I never inhaled" the third biggest lie. I will let you draw your own conclusion on which lie is #2. It probably has something to do with a partially chewed cigar, a stained blue dress, or a check that may or may not be in the mail.
Do you remember when you were under 21, running with your buddies, and the biggest thing on your horizon was a Friday night keg party? Remember that within that group there was always that one guy who would talk you into driving into OKC to chase woman with lose morals and skirts so tight you could see their religion? That same guy was the one who would talk you into blowing your whole paycheck in a weekend, usually cashed in for nothing but a wad of singles that smelled like Newport Lites and cheap perfume. Yet he never had any intention of helping you pay it back. And he did it on purpose, even though he knew it was going to get you in hot water with your girlfriend. Bill is that guy! The man is 80% good old boy, 10% whatever in the hell he could get by with, and .05% pure evil. We all have to leave in a half-percentage point for margin of error as no life can be lived in a vacuum. I can just see Bill trying to retire in Fort Lauderdale in his black socks, sandals, Bermuda shorts, and BBQ-stained wife beater and being arrested for offering his grooming services in the form of Brazilian waxing to women under 21. Just remember, the show COPS proved one undeniable thing, it's impossible to wear a shirt and commit a felony at the same time, so life is fairly predictable. The truth often hurts but we are still forced to live with who we are or by default, or at best who we have let ourselves become. I doubt even Chelsea would argue with that kind of logic.
And because many of you were not born yet you may not realize that Bill's popularity never even took a hit during the scandal. Two weeks after his prime time run in front of American cameras and a grand jury inquisition his popularity rating was still setting at nearly 65%. Notably that is because most people had a wad of cash in their pockets and the economy was roaring. But even Bill was sometimes not smart enough to just cut his losses and move on. He told us on camera on a Friday that he had done nothing wrong but then proceeded to take it back the following Monday. Bill that's FOUR days, not even a drunken gnat has an attention span that short, but I'm sad to report many Americans' do.
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