An Ounce of Pretension

Have you ever heard the saying "an ounce of pretention is worth a pound of manure?" Not only is it humorous, but it is also true. You might think I am making this up just for effect but I too once dated a woman whose nose is so high in the air, had it sprinkled she would have drowned. But I must stipulate, I only went out with her once. After she ordered a hot chocolate and then whipped out a mini-instant read thermometer to check if it was a perfect 90 degrees Celsius, I quickly started looking for ways to bow out. Did she not think that was going to put me off with that? She also felt the need to evoke the metric system, which I found doubly preposterous and borderline offensive. Anytime I refer to a woman who is well rounded I am talking about her having in her bag of tricks more than one way to ring a chicken's neck. At that point I excused myself to the restroom to text a pal who owed me a favor who could pose to me a mock "emergency phone call" and potentially get me out of this mess. Game shows like to take credit for creating the phenomenon "phoning a friend" but that's a farce, men dating badly invented that move. However, before I bolted, I paid the check, after all I'm not a monster.

My old pal gladly placed that phone call and dug me out of that jam. It wasn't but about two weeks before that incident I too had bailed him out by rolling into a dicey part of Tulsa at two AM, risking certain death by possibly wearing the wrong gang color. Blue, red, Raider's jerseys, who the hell can keep up with it all. It seems he was at a patio party and the psycho that he was dating slashed all four of his tires while he was inside. Men always have a code with one another when they find themselves in a tight spot, do women do that as well? If a man whips out a Federal Express card right after dinner and begins picking his teeth with it at the table, would that throw up any red flags? My thought on that situation where if she was going to be that big of a pain in the ass on the first date where would I find myself if I married her. That's not a pretty picture and the time to jump was NOW! Men have a tendency not to think about the future, we are unable to think much past the next half hour. Women with their heads on straight have thoughts about a man who is loving, practical, and never comes home and kicks the dog. Fast forward many moons and I finally married a woman who I couldn't imagine not having in my life. She is a ball to share the good times with and often makes the bad times more bearable. Yep, marrying that sweet little gal was the feather in the cap of my lifetime. Although the boys at the shop say I should tread lightly around her because (and I quote) "anyone that chill might just be a dude." However, I have been married to the woman going on twenty years so if there were anything off with her plumbing I would surely know by now. Wouldn't I??

People are not the only ones that sometimes take themselves too seriously, businesses often do that as well. The first place that comes to mind is Whole Foods. Comedian Jeff Gaffigan says it's like "a refugee camp for those with too much money." As usual Jim has hit the proverbial nail right on the head has recognized these organizations in all of their ridiculousness. After all, I am a lover of grocery stores both great and small. They are an escape for me; I often get lost from the craziness of life and find myself smelling cantaloupes and whistling and dancing to Kenny G tunes. You see that's how they get you. The more relaxed you are the more time you spend there, the more time you spend the more cash you spend. But somehow, I have never grown out of my love for the Piggly Wiggly. I occasionally find myself eating a fist full of bologna and a mug of creme soda, sure it's right on the cusp of white trash, but nobody will ever know but me, you, and the internet. I have a pretty hard time keeping a straight face any time someone is trying to sell me cucumber water with yoga matts slung over their shoulders. Whatever happened to the idea that if a man works from daylight until dark, he will get all the exercise he will ever need? As a society we have moved the needle some, unfortunately it's been in the wrong direction.

Universally there is no other business more stuck up than Starbucks. They are so pretentious they cannot even find it in their cold corporate heart to use the same cup sizes as everyone else on the planet. You know, small, medium, and large? It's NOT complicated nor should it be. Their sizes are as follows; Demi (3oz), Short (8oz), Tall (12oz), Grande (20oz), and Trenta which is (31oz). Maybe they are just deliberately trying to confuse us. If their sizes are not enough to confound you then maybe the way their customers order might be. Long since gone are the days where people ordered coffee just two ways, black or with cream and sugar. And keep in mind when I was kid, and I ordered it with a shot of cream and two sugars the old welder I worked for called me a Nancy. One day I decided to step into a Starbucks to see what all the hubbub was all about and oh boy did they deliver the goods. Had I been a standup comedian I'd been set for material for life. The following is what the guy in line in front of me ordered who had a professional manicure, a hair full of mouse, and was wearing an Armani suit ordered. I committed it memory. A Venti caramel crunch Cappuccino with two extra pumps of dark caramel sauce, bananas, whipped cream, extra ice, honey blend, caramel drizzle, and a slight dusting of cinnamon. That's not a coffee folks, that's a sugar laden coffee confection that is so loaded with sugar it would cause your pupils to dilatate like an illicit street drug. The only thing that was missing was a side car full of insulin.