American Food

As a writer it is important to stay within our own wheelhouse. In other words, we should write about what we know. Believe me when I say I have done my fair share of cooking and had own kitchen type implosions. Based on that and the fact that I eat at least three meals per day I believe it is my American right to write about food. Not unlike fresh milk, Americans cream usually rises to the top. It is however patently absurd how we can be the cream of the crop and poor white trash in the same breath. At some point the television show Cops proved that it's impossible to commit a felony and wear a shirt at the same time. Once again absurdity rules the day. We figured out how to build the finest cars in Detroit. Our kids attend the finest schools; however, I am not convinced that just throwing money at a problem will solve it. We somehow invented the Uber app so that we may never be bothered to walk ever again. If you think about it this even covers the possibility that we might need a ride to a colonoscopy in the event that our spouse dies. But somehow when it comes to the idea of cuisine, the best we have ever come up with is burgers, hot dogs, and Jello shots.

Just think, we have access to all the finest meats, fruits and vegetables, and anything else your heart could ever desire and somehow this was the best we could do. It should be pointed out in seriousness and in jest that both dogs, and burgers were invented in Germany. Or at least the idea of stuffing various mystery meats in an intestine casing came from a foreign land. If you have ever wondered what happens to the lips, tails, and the bung holes of cows you can stop wondering. People often eat intestines and call then chitlins, so why is it you never see bull bungholes on a stick at the state fair? That is merely the end of the trip. Even the seemingly all-American pizza has its roots in Italy. This makes complete sense because we are essentially a population of immigrants. If you discount the natives most of us turned up here totally by accident. Our ancestors were either kicked out of or defected from every nation in the world to end up here. I just checked my own nose and it's cold and wet, which can only mean that I too am a mut, just like you. My last name originated from German roots to become a name that sounds American Indian. But my father was adopted and is half Italian. His blood family lives in Nashville, are of course heavily Catholic, and race sprint cars for fun. If these circumstances don't make me mutt-like I don't know what would.

In Philadelphia there is an ongoing battle that is nearly as old as our country about who makes the best Philly Cheese steak. Now, I have never eaten one but as near as I can tell it seems to be some shaved beef, stuffed inside of a hoagie roll, then slathered (my favorite culinary term by the way) with Cheese Whiz. My friends, this is a news flash, Cheese Whiz is NOT real cheese. The making of real cheese is a delicate process that is thousands of years old that involves cultures and enzymes that produce a delectable product. Slimy orange crap that slides out of a jar is NOT real food. In fact, KRAFT should be sued for even using the word cheese on the jar in question. These types of products are sometimes referred to as FOOD STUFF. Well, make up your mind, it is food or is it stuff, because it cannot be both. It seems that in a country that has been blessed beyond the pale, we concentrate on making food that is not really food at all.

My poor mother-in-law received a lot crap this past Thanksgiving for buying cranberry sauce in a can. Evidently, she likes the way it sounds when it slides out. It has a distinctive sound which could be argued is also very American at its core. I suppose some folks think of that as tradition. This is a bit like a baby boomer who put peanuts in the bottom of a Coke bottle and says things like "this tastes like my childhood." Now back to cranberries, consider for a moment just how easy it is to make cranberry sauce from scratch. Simply bring 16oz of fresh cranberries, half cup of fresh orange juice, half cup of water, half cup of sugar, and a cinnamon stick to slow boil until all the cranberries pop and it naturally thickens. NOTHING COULD BE EASIER! It seems like just after the second World War people were inundated with commercials about Hungry Man dinners, beef stew from a can, and Kraft mac and cheese from the classic blue and yellow box. Are these items less time consuming to make? For sure! But just what are trying to save time for these days? So, we can just spend more time staring at our phones? In my house when I cook, scratch food usually wins the day.

Oklahoma too struggles to be original when it comes to food. We have seemed to become world famous for our Chicken Fried Steak, which I should remind you is not chicken at all. It is also not fried and in the strictest sense of the word is not really steak. Any cut of beef that requires that level of pounding with a mallet before it becomes edible probably should never be ingested unless you are stranded on a desert island. In Oklahoma, when in doubt we smother everything in Ranch Dressing. We consume so much of this stuff it should just be consumed with a straw like a beverage. This is a game that everyone wins except of course our cardiologist.

I often watch the European Version of Master Chef, which I can guarantee you came first. Gordon Ramsey simply Xeroxed the idea, sprinkled it with a bit of Desperate Housewife drama and Americans lapped it up like chocolate pudding. He may not be that original but at the same possibly a genius in his own right in knowing what kinds of crap Americans will ingest. It always strikes me how all of the ingredients on the European show are real food. Nothing artificial or overprocessed is ever provided to those chefs as possible components for their dishes. Leave it up to Americans to come up with stuff like Pop Tarts, Funonions, or Kool aide. And it should be noted that the name of the last three American items I just mentioned have given names to make them appear cool or hip. And I am compelled to ask this question, after Kool Aide has been consumed what is that white residue left on the bottom of the pitcher? Do we even really want to know? And don't try to act like you have never seen it. Are you also aware that ants won't eat margarine or Splenda? Could that be because those items are NOT real food and that they very well may be smarter than we are? When the critters of the world have surpassed Americans in the cuisine IQ test, I begin to worry.